essays about a loved one

• Death And Dying

8 Popular Essays About Death, Grief & the Afterlife

Updated 05/4/2022

Published 07/19/2021

Joe Oliveto, BA in English

Contributing writer

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Death is a strange topic for many reasons, one of which is the simple fact that different people can have vastly different opinions about discussing it.

Jump ahead to these sections: 

Essays or articles about the death of a loved one, essays or articles about dealing with grief, essays or articles about the afterlife or near-death experiences.

Some fear death so greatly they don’t want to talk about it at all. However, because death is a universal human experience, there are also those who believe firmly in addressing it directly. This may be more common now than ever before due to the rise of the death positive movement and mindset.

You might believe there’s something to be gained from talking and learning about death. If so, reading essays about death, grief, and even near-death experiences can potentially help you begin addressing your own death anxiety. This list of essays and articles is a good place to start. The essays here cover losing a loved one, dealing with grief, near-death experiences, and even what someone goes through when they know they’re dying.

Losing a close loved one is never an easy experience. However, these essays on the topic can help someone find some meaning or peace in their grief.

1. ‘I’m Sorry I Didn’t Respond to Your Email, My Husband Coughed to Death Two Years Ago’ by Rachel Ward

Rachel Ward’s essay about coping with the death of her husband isn’t like many essays about death. It’s very informal, packed with sarcastic humor, and uses an FAQ format. However, it earns a spot on this list due to the powerful way it describes the process of slowly finding joy in life again after losing a close loved one.

Ward’s experience is also interesting because in the years after her husband’s death, many new people came into her life unaware that she was a widow. Thus, she often had to tell these new people a story that’s painful but unavoidable. This is a common aspect of losing a loved one that not many discussions address.

2. ‘Everything I know about a good death I learned from my cat’ by Elizabeth Lopatto

Not all great essays about death need to be about human deaths! In this essay, author Elizabeth Lopatto explains how watching her beloved cat slowly die of leukemia and coordinating with her vet throughout the process helped her better understand what a “good death” looks like.

For instance, she explains how her vet provided a degree of treatment but never gave her false hope (for instance, by claiming her cat was going to beat her illness). They also worked together to make sure her cat was as comfortable as possible during the last stages of her life instead of prolonging her suffering with unnecessary treatments.

Lopatto compares this to the experiences of many people near death. Sometimes they struggle with knowing how to accept death because well-meaning doctors have given them the impression that more treatments may prolong or even save their lives, when the likelihood of them being effective is slimmer than patients may realize.

Instead, Lopatto argues that it’s important for loved ones and doctors to have honest and open conversations about death when someone’s passing is likely near. This can make it easier to prioritize their final wishes instead of filling their last days with hospital visits, uncomfortable treatments, and limited opportunities to enjoy themselves.

3. ‘The terrorist inside my husband’s brain’ by Susan Schneider Williams

This article, which Susan Schneider Williams wrote after the death of her husband Robin Willians, covers many of the topics that numerous essays about the death of a loved one cover, such as coping with life when you no longer have support from someone who offered so much of it. 

However, it discusses living with someone coping with a difficult illness that you don’t fully understand, as well. The article also explains that the best way to honor loved ones who pass away after a long struggle is to work towards better understanding the illnesses that affected them. 

4. ‘Before I Go’ by Paul Kalanithi

“Before I Go” is a unique essay in that it’s about the death of a loved one, written by the dying loved one. Its author, Paul Kalanithi, writes about how a terminal cancer diagnosis has changed the meaning of time for him.

Kalanithi describes believing he will die when his daughter is so young that she will likely never have any memories of him. As such, each new day brings mixed feelings. On the one hand, each day gives him a new opportunity to see his daughter grow, which brings him joy. On the other hand, he must struggle with knowing that every new day brings him closer to the day when he’ll have to leave her life.

Coping with grief can be immensely challenging. That said, as the stories in these essays illustrate, it is possible to manage grief in a positive and optimistic way.

5. Untitled by Sheryl Sandberg

This piece by Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook’s current CEO, isn’t a traditional essay or article. It’s actually a long Facebook post. However, many find it’s one of the best essays about death and grief anyone has published in recent years.

She posted it on the last day of sheloshim for her husband, a period of 30 days involving intense mourning in Judaism. In the post, Sandberg describes in very honest terms how much she learned from those 30 days of mourning, admitting that she sometimes still experiences hopelessness, but has resolved to move forward in life productively and with dignity.

She explains how she wanted her life to be “Option A,” the one she had planned with her husband. However, because that’s no longer an option, she’s decided the best way to honor her husband’s memory is to do her absolute best with “Option B.”

This metaphor actually became the title of her next book. Option B , which Sandberg co-authored with Adam Grant, a psychologist at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, is already one of the most beloved books about death , grief, and being resilient in the face of major life changes. It may strongly appeal to anyone who also appreciates essays about death as well.

6. ‘My Own Life’ by Oliver Sacks

Grief doesn’t merely involve grieving those we’ve lost. It can take the form of the grief someone feels when they know they’re going to die.

Renowned physician and author Oliver Sacks learned he had terminal cancer in 2015. In this essay, he openly admits that he fears his death. However, he also describes how knowing he is going to die soon provides a sense of clarity about what matters most. Instead of wallowing in his grief and fear, he writes about planning to make the very most of the limited time he still has.

Belief in (or at least hope for) an afterlife has been common throughout humanity for decades. Additionally, some people who have been clinically dead report actually having gone to the afterlife and experiencing it themselves.

Whether you want the comfort that comes from learning that the afterlife may indeed exist, or you simply find the topic of near-death experiences interesting, these are a couple of short articles worth checking out.

7. ‘My Experience in a Coma’ by Eben Alexander

“My Experience in a Coma” is a shortened version of the narrative Dr. Eben Alexander shared in his book, Proof of Heaven . Alexander’s near-death experience is unique, as he’s a medical doctor who believes that his experience is (as the name of his book suggests) proof that an afterlife exists. He explains how at the time he had this experience, he was clinically braindead, and therefore should not have been able to consciously experience anything.

Alexander describes the afterlife in much the same way many others who’ve had near-death experiences describe it. He describes starting out in an “unresponsive realm” before a spinning white light that brought with it a musical melody transported him to a valley of abundant plant life, crystal pools, and angelic choirs. He states he continued to move from one realm to another, each realm higher than the last, before reaching the realm where the infinite love of God (which he says is not the “god” of any particular religion) overwhelmed him.

8. “One Man's Tale of Dying—And Then Waking Up” by Paul Perry

The author of this essay recounts what he considers to be one of the strongest near-death experience stories he’s heard out of the many he’s researched and written about over the years. The story involves Dr. Rajiv Parti, who claims his near-death experience changed his views on life dramatically.

Parti was highly materialistic before his near-death experience. During it, he claims to have been given a new perspective, realizing that life is about more than what his wealth can purchase. He returned from the experience with a permanently changed outlook.

This is common among those who claim to have had near-death experiences. Often, these experiences leave them kinder, more understanding, more spiritual, and less materialistic.

This short article is a basic introduction to Parti’s story. He describes it himself in greater detail in the book Dying to Wake Up , which he co-wrote with Paul Perry, the author of the article.

Essays About Death: Discussing a Difficult Topic

It’s completely natural and understandable to have reservations about discussing death. However, because death is unavoidable, talking about it and reading essays and books about death instead of avoiding the topic altogether is something that benefits many people. Sometimes, the only way to cope with something frightening is to address it.

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• Coping With Grief

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Essays About Death: Top 5 Examples and 9 Essay Prompts

Death includes mixed emotions and endless possibilities. If you are writing essays about death, see our examples and prompts in this article.

Over 50 million people die yearly from different causes worldwide. It’s a fact we must face when the time comes. Although the subject has plenty of dire connotations, many are still fascinated by death, enough so that literary pieces about it never cease. Every author has a reason why they want to talk about death. Most use it to put their grievances on paper to help them heal from losing a loved one. Some find writing and reading about death moving, transformative, or cathartic.

To help you write a compelling essay about death, we prepared five examples to spark your imagination:

1. Essay on Death Penalty by Aliva Manjari

2. coping with death essay by writer cameron, 3. long essay on death by prasanna, 4. because i could not stop for death argumentative essay by writer annie, 5. an unforgettable experience in my life by anonymous on gradesfixer.com, 1. life after death, 2. death rituals and ceremonies, 3. smoking: just for fun or a shortcut to the grave, 4. the end is near, 5. how do people grieve, 6. mental disorders and death, 7. are you afraid of death, 8. death and incurable diseases, 9. if i can pick how i die.

“The death penalty is no doubt unconstitutional if imposed arbitrarily, capriciously, unreasonably, discriminatorily, freakishly or wantonly, but if it is administered rationally, objectively and judiciously, it will enhance people’s confidence in criminal justice system.”

Manjari’s essay considers the death penalty as against the modern process of treating lawbreakers, where offenders have the chance to reform or defend themselves. Although the author is against the death penalty, she explains it’s not the right time to abolish it. Doing so will jeopardize social security. The essay also incorporates other relevant information, such as the countries that still have the death penalty and how they are gradually revising and looking for alternatives.

You might also be interested in our list of the best war books .

“How a person copes with grief is affected by the person’s cultural and religious background, coping skills, mental history, support systems, and the person’s social and financial status.”

Cameron defines coping and grief through sharing his personal experience. He remembers how their family and close friends went through various stages of coping when his Aunt Ann died during heart surgery. Later in his story, he mentions Ann’s last note, which she wrote before her surgery, in case something terrible happens. This note brought their family together again through shared tears and laughter. You can also check out these articles about cancer .

“Luckily or tragically, we are completely sentenced to death. But there is an interesting thing; we don’t have the knowledge of how the inevitable will strike to have a conversation.”

Prasanna states the obvious – all people die, but no one knows when. She also discusses the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Research also shows that when people die, the brain either shows a flashback of life or sees a ray of light.

Even if someone can predict the day of their death, it won’t change how the people who love them will react. Some will cry or be numb, but in the end, everyone will have to accept the inevitable. The essay ends with the philosophical belief that the soul never dies and is reborn in a new identity and body. You can also check out these elegy examples .

“People have busy lives, and don’t think of their own death, however, the speaker admits that she was willing to put aside her distractions and go with death. She seemed to find it pretty charming.”

The author focuses on how Emily Dickinson ’s “ Because I Could Not Stop for Death ” describes death. In the poem, the author portrays death as a gentle, handsome, and neat man who picks up a woman with a carriage to take her to the grave. The essay expounds on how Dickinson uses personification and imagery to illustrate death.

“The death of a loved one is one of the hardest things an individual can bring themselves to talk about; however, I will never forget that day in the chapter of my life, as while one story continued another’s ended.”

The essay delve’s into the author’s recollection of their grandmother’s passing. They recount the things engrained in their mind from that day –  their sister’s loud cries, the pounding and sinking of their heart, and the first time they saw their father cry. 

Looking for more? Check out these essays about losing a loved one .

9 Easy Writing Prompts on Essays About Death

Are you still struggling to choose a topic for your essay? Here are prompts you can use for your paper:

Your imagination is the limit when you pick this prompt for your essay. Because no one can confirm what happens to people after death, you can create an essay describing what kind of world exists after death. For instance, you can imagine yourself as a ghost that lingers on the Earth for a bit. Then, you can go to whichever place you desire and visit anyone you wish to say proper goodbyes to first before crossing to the afterlife.

Every country, religion, and culture has ways of honoring the dead. Choose a tribe, religion, or place, and discuss their death rituals and traditions regarding wakes and funerals. Include the reasons behind these activities. Conclude your essay with an opinion on these rituals and ceremonies but don’t forget to be respectful of everyone’s beliefs. 

Smoking is still one of the most prevalent bad habits since tobacco’s creation in 1531 . Discuss your thoughts on individuals who believe there’s nothing wrong with this habit and inadvertently pass secondhand smoke to others. Include how to avoid chain-smokers and if we should let people kill themselves through excessive smoking. Add statistics and research to support your claims.

Collate people’s comments when they find out their death is near. Do this through interviews, and let your respondents list down what they’ll do first after hearing the simulated news. Then, add their reactions to your essay.

There is no proper way of grieving. People grieve in their way. Briefly discuss death and grieving at the start of your essay. Then, narrate a personal experience you’ve had with grieving to make your essay more relatable. Or you can compare how different people grieve. To give you an idea, you can mention that your father’s way of grieving is drowning himself in work while your mom openly cries and talk about her memories of the loved one who just passed away. 

Explain how people suffering from mental illnesses view death. Then, measure it against how ordinary people see the end. Include research showing death rates caused by mental illnesses to prove your point. To make organizing information about the topic more manageable, you can also focus on one mental illness and relate it to death.

Check out our guide on  how to write essays about depression .

Sometimes, seriously ill people say they are no longer afraid of death. For others, losing a loved one is even more terrifying than death itself. Share what you think of death and include factors that affected your perception of it.

People with incurable diseases are often ready to face death. For this prompt, write about individuals who faced their terminal illnesses head-on and didn’t let it define how they lived their lives. You can also review literary pieces that show these brave souls’ struggle and triumph. A great series to watch is “ My Last Days .”

You might also be interested in these epitaph examples .

No one knows how they’ll leave this world, but if you have the chance to choose how you part with your loved ones, what will it be? Probe into this imagined situation. For example, you can write: “I want to die at an old age, surrounded by family and friends who love me. I hope it’ll be a peaceful death after I’ve done everything I wanted in life.”

To make your essay more intriguing, put unexpected events in it. Check out these plot twist ideas .

Maria Caballero is a freelance writer who has been writing since high school. She believes that to be a writer doesn't only refer to excellent syntax and semantics but also knowing how to weave words together to communicate to any reader effectively.

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Sheryl Sandberg’s essay on grief is one of the best things I’ve read about marriage

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When my closest friend got married a few years ago, I asked her if anything felt different after the ceremony. "Yes," she said. "Realizing that my best-case scenario is now that I die first." Her tone was flip, and we both laughed. But there was truth to what she said.

I love my husband so much that I hesitate to write about him — it feels unseemly, like bragging. It is impossibly painful to even imagine life without him: his presence is the source of my greatest joy in life, just as the idea of losing him is one of my worst fears. The best-case scenario is that I die first.

Sheryl Sandberg lost her beloved husband, Dave Goldberg, 30 days ago. To mark that occasion, she has written one of the best essays I have ever read about what it feels like to confront that terrible fear, and to deal with the profound grief that comes from losing someone you love. Her description of her grief since Goldberg's death feels true not just as a statement of what it is like to lose someone you love, but also what it means to deeply love someone, and the value that our loved ones hold in our lives.

A childhood friend of mine who is now a rabbi recently told me that the most powerful one-line prayer he has ever read is: "Let me not die while I am still alive." I would have never understood that prayer before losing Dave . Now I do. I think when tragedy occurs, it presents a choice. You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe. Or you can try to find meaning. These past thirty days, I have spent many of my moments lost in that void. And I know that many future moments will be consumed by the vast emptiness as well. But when I can, I want to choose life and meaning.

Strangely enough, the perfect companion piece to Sandberg's essay is not about loss, but about the joy of having children. Michelle Goldberg (no relation to Dave Goldberg) wrote in New York Magazine last week about what inspired her and her husband to grow their family.

"Not long ago," she writes , "I learned the Arabic word Ya'aburnee . Literally, 'you bury me,' it means wanting to die before a loved one so as not to have to face the world without him or her in it."

Goldberg realized that those words captured her feelings for her husband, and that having a child would be a way to bring more of him into the world — and a way to hold on to part of him if someday she lost him.

Goldberg and her husband now have two children, and they have enriched her life, she writes, in ways she would never have believed possible. "Before there was one person in the world for whom I would use the word Ya'aburnee , and now there are three."

Reading Sandberg's essay with Goldberg's is a reminder that the pain of loss is a worthwhile price to pay for the joy of love and marriage. Although Sandberg's husband has died, the life they built together still remains. Her essay closes with a moving promise to support what they built, and the children they had together, even as she mourns him:

I can’t even express the gratitude I feel to my family and friends who have done so much and reassured me that they will continue to be there. In the brutal moments when I am overtaken by the void, when the months and years stretch out in front of me endless and empty, only their faces pull me out of the isolation and fear. My appreciation for them knows no bounds. I was talking to one of these friends about a father-child activity that Dave is not here to do. We came up with a plan to fill in for Dave. I cried to him, "But I want Dave. I want option A." He put his arm around me and said, "Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B." Dave, to honor your memory and raise your children as they deserve to be raised, I promise to do all I can to kick the shit out of option B. And even though sheloshim has ended, I still mourn for option A. I will always mourn for option A. As Bono sang, "There is no end to grief . . . and there is no end to love." I love you, Dave.

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Your chance of acceptance, your chancing factors, extracurriculars, writing a college essay about losing a loved one.

Hi everyone, I've dealt with the loss of a very important person in my life and I'm considering writing my college essay about it. However, I don't want to come off as using sympathy for an advantage. Any suggestions on how to approach this topic in a genuine and respectful way?

It's important to approach this topic with sincerity and focus on growth rather than simply evoking sympathy from the readers. Here's a structure that can help you portray your experience genuinely:

1. Introduction: Begin by briefly introducing your relationship with the loved one and the impact they had on your life. You don't have to go into details about their passing at this point, as this isn't the focus of the essay.

2. The turning point: Describe the moment you realized things had changed permanently. This could be the moment you received the news or attended their funeral. Focus on conveying your initial emotions and thoughts at this point in time.

3. Learning and growth: This is the most crucial part of your essay. Reflect on how the loss of your loved one has shaped you as a person. What lessons have you learned? How has it inspired you to grow, change, or take action? Share specific examples of actions you've taken or changes in your perspective that are tied to this experience.

4. Connection to your future: Tie this growth and realization to your goals for college and beyond. Explain how your experiences and newfound understanding will help you contribute to the college community and excel in your future endeavors.

5. Conclusion: Sum up the impact your loved one had on your life and the lasting legacy they leave within you. Emphasize the growth you've experienced and the positive change that's resulted from this challenging experience.

Throughout the essay, maintain a tone of honesty and introspection. Avoid exaggerating or presenting your experience as more tragic than it was. Focus on your personal growth and avoid dwelling on the loss itself. This approach will help you convey a genuine and respectful reflection of your experience without seeming like you're leveraging sympathy for your benefit.

About CollegeVine’s Expert FAQ

CollegeVine’s Q&A seeks to offer informed perspectives on commonly asked admissions questions. Every answer is refined and validated by our team of admissions experts to ensure it resonates with trusted knowledge in the field.

7 Memoirs About Losing a Loved One

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These books and memoirs about losing a loved one helped me to laugh and cry through my grief. I hope they will help you, too.

When my partner died of cancer, a fellow widower brought me a book that helped him through his acute grief. He offered it in the hopes that it might help me, and it did help. Very much.

It is important to note that every person grieves differently. While these books and memoirs about losing a loved one helped me, they may not help you or your loved one who is experiencing grief.

RELATED POST

10 Books to Change Your Life

I am listing these books in the chronological order of how I read them and providing a bit of context into my own grieving process. I hope this will help you choose which book to read and, most importantly, when to read it.

When “Option A” is not an option

The book that thoughtful widower handed to me was “ Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, And Finding Joy .” I read the book one month after my partner died while on a plane ride across the Atlantic. I was leaving one life and starting a new one.

In this book (which is only part memoir) Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, shares how she grieved after her husband died suddenly while on a family vacation.

A data person through and through, Sandberg teams up with psychologist and academic Adam Grant to share the stories of people who found joy again after experiencing grief, and to analyze the grief process itself.

The title of the book comes from a moment when Sandberg cried to a friend about wanting comfort from her husband. The friend replied, “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of Option B.”

Read my post on finally accepting Option B and seeking joy

“Option B” helped me because, at the time, I needed permission to experience joy again. I also needed the validation that changing my life entirely was my way of finding some meaning in Jeff’s death. Option B gave me that permission and that validation.

A memoir about losing a loved one and examining the process of mourning

The process of grief was my focus for a while. So the next book I picked up was “ The Year of Magical Thinking ” by award-winning writer Joan Didion who relives the year after her husband’s sudden death. It’s a year in which she is also caring for a seriously ill daughter.

In the book, Didion attempts to make sense of the nonsensical. She is clinical in her examination of the mourning process, and that was fascinating for me as I prodded and poked at my own grief like a tongue exploring a chipped tooth.

A memoir about losing a loved one that will make you belly laugh

This book is purposefully irreverent because that is the way that author and comedian Laurie Kilmartin grieved. We all grieve differently, and the irreverence here might be uncomfortable for you.

But of all the memoirs about losing a loved one that I read, this one made me belly laugh when I needed it most.

In fact, as I read “ Dead People Suck: A Guide for Survivors of the Newly Departed ” two months after my partner died, the sound of my own laughter startled me. It had been that long since I had heard it. Also, there is dark humor surrounding death, and Kilmartin is simply brave enough to say it out loud.

She wisely notes, though, that while she can joke about her dead dad…nobody else can.

What to Say When Someone Dies

A memoir about losing a loved one from the perspective of the dying

I read “ When Breath Becomes Air ” while holed up in a tiny bungalow in northern Thailand. It was a remote place where I could meditate, read, and cry without interruption. It was eight months after Jeff’s death, and, for me, it was the perfect time to pick up this book written by a doctor dying of lung cancer.

A loving husband and brilliant neurosurgeon, Paul Kalanithi writes with heartbreaking honesty while his pragmatic, scientific brain wrestles with his hopeful heart. He brings us along as he and his wife choose to bring a child into a world that they know he may soon be departing.

This book gave me a look into how my partner may have felt as he looked around the room in those final days. As he assessed his life, did he consider it a life well lived?

I read this memoir about losing a loved one as I surfaced from my loss and started to reflect on my partner and his legacy. And it helped me make a decision about my own family plans – although I opted to take a different route than that of the Kalanithis.

“When Breath Becomes Air” was published posthumously with the moving ending written by the author’s wife and fellow doctor, Lucy Kalanithi.

A Memoir of living and dying

I was so moved by the perspective of facing death from the person doing the dying that I searched for a similar book.

The reviews of “ Bright Hour: A Memoir of Living and Dying ” read like a sequel of sorts to “When Breath Becomes Air,” and I found it to be another painfully honest account of extracting every bit of joy from a life that is limited by terminal illness.

This perspective is so honest because author Nina Riggs, like doctor Paul Kalanithi, doesn’t have time to sugarcoat her writing. She cannot hide from the truth. She is writing against time and with an urgent desire to explore the depths of herself before she dies.

In a seriously beautiful continuation of the conversation about life and death started by both Paul Kalanithi (“When Breath Becomes Air”) and Nina Riggs, the two memoirs brought their spouses together. For a time Lucy Kalanithi (widow of Paul) and John Duberstein (widower of Nina) were a couple weathering their grief together. Here are Duberstein’s thoughts on finding love after loss .

A Story About Finding Love After Loss

A memoir about friendship in the darkest of times

I wrote a post recently about how to comfort someone who has lost a loved one . In it, I wrote that there is only one single piece of universal advice to give here, and that is to show up for that person.

It may be the memoir “ My Glory Was I Had Such Friends ” by Amy Silverstein, that first gave me that idea. In “My Glory,” we witness what it means to show up in the most beautiful of ways. In fact, the fact that these friends show up in such a strong way may just be the reason why this book doesn’t cleanly fit into the category of memoirs about losing a loved one. Because this group of friends may just save Silverstein’s life.

The premise of this book is that of a family facing the possibility of death as Silverstein waits for a heart transplant that may never come. But the meat of this book is about friendship.

Silverstein’s friends rally around her, putting their own lives on hold and holding her up with single-minded sheer will.

I read this about a year and a half after my loss, and it helped me remember some of the support that I received when I needed it most. In doing so, I was forced to revisit memories that I avoided – changing feeding tubes or taking breaks from a hospital vigil for instance – but I was ready to see the beauty in those memories – something that I just couldn’t take in previously.

I’m lucky, like Silverstein, to have glorious friends, and I’m grateful to this book for reminding me of that.

A memoir about transformation

This memoir by Glennon Doyle does not fit cleanly into the category of memoirs about losing a loved one. Rather Untamed is about a woman allowing herself to be truly herself. Doyle writes about how she uncages herself from the expectations of society and of her readers and, in doing so, finds her soulmate.

I read this two years into my grieving process and two years after I left my own conventional life for a nontraditional nomadic life of travel . It spoke to me for many different reasons, but I especially liked how Doyle speaks of grief as a transformation.

I hope these books will help you if you are grieving, or if you are looking to give the gift of a book as a way to comfort your loved one who is experiencing grief.

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About the Author

Hi! I’m Jen!

I’m a freelance writer and travel blogger who quit my nine-to-five after my fiancé, Jeff, died of cancer at the age of 40. When he died, I realized that life is just too short to delay our dreams. Since my dream was to travel and write, I now travel and write full-time. Today I wear hiking boots instead of heels and collect experiences instead of things.

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Resources on grieving beyond these memoirs about losing a loved one:, resources for grieving.

Grief Works : An app to guide you through your grief

Hot Young Widows Club : Stories of love & loss on Instagram; also a book

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Good Mourning Podcast : Authentic conversations about loss

Soaring Spirits : Peer-based support programs for widowed men & women

Subscribe to my newsletter for tips on grief & post-traumatic growth

What books have you read that helped you while grieving? Comment below!

Hello Jen… I came upon your writings by chance, well not really as my wife has lung cancer. These past 5 years has been a gift but god and science has not prevailed the way we hoped. She has 6 mo to a year, her spirit is stoic, me- I fall apart a lot. I know that living will go on but for now I tend to live in the present. It’s soo hard grieving for so long. Love you all…

Sending so much love your way, Jeff. So much love.

Thank. Going through recommended book has help. I need these books. Thank you again.

You are most welcome!

Getting past your breakbup —- Susan J. Elliott How to heal your heart —- Louis Hay

Thank you! I will check them out!

One of the best and my favorite blog ever. Aala stuff and best quality.

Thank you so much, Mendy!

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Last updated March 31, 2023

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Blog > Common App , Essay Advice > Should You Write Your College Essay About Losing a Loved One?

Should You Write Your College Essay About Losing a Loved One?

Admissions officer reviewed by Ben Bousquet, M.Ed Former Vanderbilt University

Written by Alex McNeil, MA Admissions Consultant

Key Takeaway

Losing a loved one, especially in high school, can upend how you view the world.

It’s only natural that you’d want to write your Common Application personal statement about it.

Writing about death is always difficult, and it is especially difficult in a college application essay. It can take twice the time and effort to craft a personal statement about so emotional a topic.

Since it’s a more challenging topic, you should be sure that writing about the death of a loved one is the right choice for you.

While some advice may say otherwise, writing about traumatic experiences does not increase your chances of admission, so don’t feel forced to write about the death of a loved one just because you think that’s what admissions offices want to see.

You should write about your loss if it’s the topic that will allow you to tell your most authentic story.

So before you begin writing, consider a few critical questions to determine whether (and how) you should write your college essay about losing a loved one.

Questions to ask yourself before writing your college essay about death

As much as admissions officers are humans who care about your wellbeing, they also have criteria with which they must evaluate your personal statement. While they will empathize with your grief, at the end of the day, your essay still needs to hold its own against thousands of others.

Sometimes essays about death can do just that, poignantly and with heart. But other times, students aren’t ready. And that’s okay too.

Ask yourself the following questions and think honestly about your answers.

1. Are you really ready to think, write, and revise critically?

Grief can muddle your ideas into incomprehensible gray blobs. Your heightened sensitivity may also make the critical revision process exhausting.

But your college essay still has to shine with clarity and coherence .

It’s important that you ask yourself if you’re ready to do the detailed writing and editing that is required of personal statements.

2. Can you find a respectful balance that allows you to center yourself?

Students most frequently make the mistake of writing essays that center the person who has passed rather than themselves.

While a tribute to your loved one is a beautiful thing, your college essay has a major job to do. It needs to tell admissions officers about you.

For whatever reason, if you can’t bring the focus to yourself, you might consider writing about another topic.

3. Will you be able to process before and while writing? And if it’s not that hard to process, should you consider a different topic?

Writing is a powerful way to process tragedy. The very act can help you heal and find new direction. But the process can be intimate, and you may not want to share the information with strangers.

Your college essay also requires you to go beyond reflection to craft a thoughtful and organized essay.

So be sure that you’ve reached a point in your journey where you feel comfortable working through and writing about difficult emotions.

Alternatively, some students write about losing people who they weren’t close to and whose deaths didn’t significantly impact them. They do this solely because they think that writing about trauma helps you get into college, but it doesn’t. If you find that writing about your loss does not actually have a profound effect on your emotions, then there is likely a different essay topic awaiting you.

4. What should you do if you’ve decided you’re not ready to write your college essay about losing a loved one but still want the admissions committee to know?

You could consider how your story fits into any supplemental essays you’re writing. Or you can use the Common Application “Additional Information” section. Feel free to include whatever context you are comfortable sharing. This section can be a simple explanation and does not need to follow a specific format.

How you can write a college essay about losing a loved one

If you’ve decided that writing your college essay about losing a loved one is the right choice for you, then we have a few tips.

1. Determine what this topic should reveal about you to the admissions committee.

Begin your writing process by asking yourself what you want the admissions committee to learn about you from this story of loss.

2. Pinpoint specific examples, details, memories, or vignettes.

Root your narrative in specifics rather than generalities about you and your loved one to show, not tell your admissions officers why they were important to you.

3. End on a note of hope, resilience, or forward movement.

The reality is that even with a sad topic, you want your admissions officers to leave your essay thinking about you in a positive way so that they can picture you being an active member of their campus. Your personal statement should therefore conclude on some kind of hopeful or resilient note.

Be gracious about your limits. Write about your loss only if you feel ready and if you truly believe that it’s the story you need to tell admissions committees.

If you do choose to write your college essay about losing a loved one, then you should start early and leave plenty of extra time for writing and revision. What you’ve been through is surely difficult, so be gentle on yourself as you write and revise.

You can find more about writing your personal statement on our How to Write a College Essay post.

Liked that? Try this next.

The Incredible Power of a Cohesive College Application

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Personal Grief and Loss Essay

Introduction.

The complicated nature of life explains why grieving is a necessary process. The loss of a beloved person can trigger numerous emotions such as guilt, anger, disbelief, and sadness. Coping with sudden death can result in a major challenge. It is agreeable that most of these reactions and emotional responses to loss are natural. That being the case, people should help one another throughout the mourning process in order to find new meaning and move on with life. Those who are in emotional pain should also be allowed to cry in order to support the healing process. The death of my favorite aunt affected me significantly. After the event, it took me five days to accept the fact that my aunt was gone. The purpose of this paper, therefore, is to give a personal experience of loss, grief, and mourning following my aunt’s untimely demise.

The most memorable loss occurred when I was 21 years of age. This was after the death of my maternal aunt. She was only 10 years older. Her untimely death occurred when I was in the United States. Our age gap explains why we used to be close to one another. We could do many things together and support each other. She was shot four times while in Colombia and died instantly.

Although it was hard to explain the circumstances that led to her death, forensic investigations revealed that she had been murdered by robbers for an unknown reason. The victim was a mother-figure to me. As an aunt, she guided, empowered, and encouraged me to pursue most of my dreams. This analysis shows that I was emotionally close to her.

After the loss, I experienced numerous emotional, spiritual, and psychological challenges. Such feelings occurred for several weeks after my aunt’s death. Several reasons can be presented to support this argument. The first one is that I was unable to pursue my goals. This development made it hard for me to meet the needs of my underage daughter. The second example is that I become stressed and troubled. This emotional response occurred after I received the news of her death. The third example is that I was unable to interact with other people. This means that my social competencies were affected greatly. After the death, it took me five days to accept the fact that she was gone. Throughout this period, I could dial her cell-phone number to confirm that she was not with us anymore. This was the case because I felt stressed and discontented with everything in life. The pain in my body was also unbearable.

I was unable to focus on my spiritual goals and mental status. However, I managed to cope with the loss after several months due to the support received from different family members. For instance, my husband was helpful throughout this troubling period. It should also be observed that my failure to attend her funeral might have affected my healing process. This is the reason why individuals who have lost their beloved ones should be advised, guided, and supported accordingly.

My mourning process affected the people around me in a number of ways. For instance, I was not able to support or raise up my young daughter. I was also unable to interact freely with my husband and relatives. I also found it hard to interact with my colleagues, relatives, and friends. The good news was that most of my family members were helpful during this emotional period. This was the case because they empowered me to deal with my grief and be in a position to pursue my aims. They were also keen to console and encourage me to remain strong. It is also worth noting that none of the persons around me was hurtful during the time.

The major rituals considered during the time of loss were prayers and fasting. These practices are known to support the mourning process (Burke & Neimeyer, 2014). I also began to smoke as a way of getting rid of stress. I used different links to feel connected to the deceased person. For instance, my grandmother managed to send my aunt’s graduation ring to me. I always wear the ring as a grim reminder of my beloved aunt. I also possess the clothes she was wearing at the time of the murder. I have never washed them and they are bloodstains.

Holdsworth (2015) asserts that human beings use various techniques to manage their lamentation processes. The first technique that can be used to describe my mourning process is that of writing (Eyetsemitan, 2017). It is evident that my aunt had written a letter to me. Due to the nature of her death, I had not responded to her letter. This is something that has been haunting me over the years. I also have many things in my heart that I was never given the opportunity to say to my aunt. For instance, I did not tell her how she was loved and missed. I have many photographs that remind me of our experiences together.

I strongly believed that a number of rituals can still help with the loss today. For instance, I would be happy to be given a chance to visit her grave. I would mourn and pray on her grave in order to complete my mourning process. Personally, I think that the intensity of my loss could not be sensationalized by the media. This is the reason why I decided to engage in smoking. These aspects show conclusively that my mourning process was complicated (Burke & Neimeyer, 2014). This argument can be supported by the fact that it is several years after the loss and I am yet to heal completely. I also experienced intense rumination, pain, and sorrow during the period. The decision to hold on to her belongings also explains why the process was complicated.

It is agreeable that this loss occurred at a time when I was not aware of the nature of suffering (Hordan & Litz, 2014). With more knowledge, I would have kept myself busy, interacted with more people, and read different materials to support the mourning process. I would have also attended her funeral in order to stop feeling guilty.

There are various complicated mourning issues that have kept me stuck in my mourning process. The first one is that it has taken me many years to be in a position to talk about my aunt. It has been hard for me to accept the fact that she is no longer around us. The second issue is that minor events or memories can trigger intense or painful reactions (Worden, 2008). Sometimes I can start to cry after remembering her.

This course has made it easier for me to learn a number of things about myself. The first observation is that the loss of a close relative or friend can affect me negatively. Such an occurrence can make it hard for me to achieve my goals or interact with others. The second lesson is that I can address most of my emotional and psychological challenges. This is the case because I managed to deal with this loss successfully. It is also clear that I have gained numerous ideas and concepts about mourning from this course. For instance, I have known that individuals should be guided and empowered throughout the period (Eyetsemitan, 2017). People should also be allowed to cry and mourn throughout their lamentation periods.

My discussion shows clearly that my aunt was like a sister to me and a big confidant who supported everything I was doing. This means that she was always close to me. Since she was young, we used to share ideas and live like sisters. Despite these feelings of pain and anguish, it should be observed that the mourning process empowered me to develop better concepts that can be used to support others. The ideas gained from this course can also meet the needs of persons who have lost their friends or relatives. My experience after the loss of my aunt echoes most of the challenges faced by many mourning persons. It is, therefore, necessary for those who are in grief to keep themselves busy and interact with others to prevent any suicidal thoughts. Mourners should also never be avoided. Consequently, these lessons will empower me to guide others in the future.

Burke, L. A., & Neimeyer, R. A. (2014). Spiritual distress in bereavement: Evolution of a research program. Religions, 5, 1087-1115. Web.

Eyetsemitan, F. (2017). Employee grief, workplace culture, and implications for worker productivity and psychopathology. Acta Psychopathologica, 3 (4), 1-3. Web.

Holdsworth, M. (2015). Bereaved carers’ accounts of the end of life and the role of care providers in a ‘good death’: A qualitative study. Palliative Medicine, 29 (9), 834-841.

Hordan, A. H., & Litz, B. T. (2014). Prolonged grief disorder: Diagnostic, assessment, and treatment considerations. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 45 (3), 180-187. Web.

Worden, J. W. (2008). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (4th ed.). New York, NY: Springer Publishing.

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Bibliography

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How your brain copes with grief, and why it takes time to heal

Berly McCoy

Grief is tied to all sorts of different brain functions, says researcher and author Mary-Frances O'Connor. That can range from being able to recall memories to taking the perspective of another person, to even things like regulating our heart rate and the experience of pain and suffering. Adam Lister/Getty Images hide caption

Grief is tied to all sorts of different brain functions, says researcher and author Mary-Frances O'Connor. That can range from being able to recall memories to taking the perspective of another person, to even things like regulating our heart rate and the experience of pain and suffering.

Holidays are never quite the same after someone we love dies. Even small aspects of a birthday or a Christmas celebration — an empty seat at the dinner table, one less gift to buy or make — can serve as jarring reminders of how our lives have been forever changed. Although these realizations are hard to face, clinical psychologist Mary-Frances O'Connor says we shouldn't avoid them or try to hide our feelings.

"Grief is a universal experience," she notes, "and when we can connect, it is better."

O'Connor, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, studies what happens in our brains when we experience grief. She says grieving is a form of learning — one that teaches us how to be in the world without someone we love in it. "The background is running all the time for people who are grieving, thinking about new habits and how they interact now."

Shots - Health News

Coronavirus has upended our world. it's ok to grieve.

After The Loss Of A Loved One, Your Holiday Traditions Change But Hope Endures

Adjusting to the fact that we'll never again spend time with our loved ones can be painful. It takes time — and involves changes in the brain. "What we see in science is, if you have a grief experience and you have support so that you have a little bit of time to learn, and confidence from the people around you, that you will in fact adapt."

O'Connor's upcoming book, The Grieving Brain , explores what scientists know about how our minds grapple with the loss of a loved one.

Interview highlights

On the grieving process

When we have the experience of being in a relationship, the sense of who we are is bound up with that other person. The word sibling, the word spouse implies two people. And so when the other person is gone, we suddenly have to learn a totally new set of rules to operate in the world. The "we" is as important as the "you" and "me," and the brain, interestingly, really does encode it that way. So when people say "I feel like I've lost part of myself," that is for a good reason. The brain also feels that way, as it were, and codes the "we" as much as the "you" and the "I."

A Thanksgiving Feast With Space At The Table For Grief

On the difference between grief and grieving

Grief is that emotional state that just knocks you off your feet and comes over you like a wave. Grieving necessarily has a time component to it. Grieving is what happens as we adapt to the fact that our loved one is gone, that we're carrying the absence of them with us. And the reason that this distinction makes sense is, grief is a natural response to loss — so we'll feel grief forever. A woman who lost her mother as a young person is going to experience that grief on her wedding day because it's a new moment where she's having a response to loss.

But "grieving" means that our relationship to that grief changes over time. So the first time, maybe even the first 100 times, you're knocked off your feet with grief, it feels terrible and awful and unfamiliar. But maybe the 101st time, you think to yourself, "I hate this, I don't want this to be true. But I do recognize it, and I do know that I will get through the wave."

On the emotions involved in grieving

The range of emotions that someone experiences when they're grieving is as long a list as the range of emotions we have in any relationship. Commonly there's panic, there's anxiety, there's sadness, there's yearning. But what we sometimes forget is that there's also difficulty concentrating and confusion about what happens next.

When COVID Deaths Are Dismissed Or Stigmatized, Grief Is Mixed With Shame And Anger

I am often struck by the intensity of the emotions. Grief is like someone turned up the volume dial all of a sudden. The emotion that I think often interferes with our relationships and friendships when we're grieving is anger, because the anger feels so intense. You have someone blow up at a dinner party and you think, "What's happening with them?" And then to try and remember, "Oh, they're grieving and everything is amped up a little bit."

On what is happening in our brains

We have neuroimaging studies basically of grief, of the momentary reaction where you have that emotional yearning experience. There are less than a handful of studies looking at more than one moment in the same person across time — so looking at their grieving trajectory. What we know right now in these early days of the neurobiology of grief is really coming from snapshots.

Having said that, one of the things that we know is that grief is tied to all sorts of different brain functions we have, from being able to recall memories to taking the perspective of another person, to even things like regulating our heart rate and the experience of pain and suffering. So lots of different parts of the brain are orchestrating this experience that we have when we feel grief.

On prolonged grief

When you're knocked over by that wave of grief, you want to know, "When will this end?" From a research perspective, there is a very small proportion of people who might have what we now call prolonged grief disorder, something we start looking for after six months or a year [after a death or loss]. ... And what we are seeing, [in such cases], is that this person has not been able to function day to day the way that they wish that they could. They're not getting out the door to work or getting dinner on the table for their kids or they're not able to, say, listen to music because it's just too upsetting. So these types of concerns ... suggest it would be helpful to intervene and get them back on the healing trajectory where they will still feel grief, but they will adapt to it differently.

The older term that we were using for a long time was "complicated grief." And although prolonged grief disorder is the term we've settled on, there's a reason that I like the term complicated — because it makes you think of complications.

As an example, one of those is the grief-related rumination that people sometimes experience. The better term for that that people will recognize is the "would've, should've, could've" thoughts. And they just roll through your head over and over again. The problem with these thoughts — we sometimes call "counterfactuals" — is that they all end in this virtual scenario where the person doesn't die. And that's just not reality. And so, by spinning in these thoughts, not only is there no answer — there are an infinite number of possibilities with no actual answer of what would have happened — but it also isn't necessarily helping us to adapt to the painful reality that they did die. And so our virtual version is not really helping us to learn how to be in the world now.

It's less than 10% of people who experience prolonged grief disorder. And what that means is 90% of people experience difficult grief and suffering, but don't have a disorder after losing a loved one. I think it's so important to remember that ... because we don't want to hide grief away ... in a psychiatrist's office or a counselor's office, except in indications where that would be helpful to get people back on track.

On how to support grieving people in your life

I think when you care for someone who is going through this terrible process of losing someone, it really is more about listening to them and seeing where they're at in their learning than it is about trying to make them feel better. The point is not to cheer them up. The point is to be with them and let them know that you will be with them and that you can imagine a future for them where they're not constantly being knocked over by the waves of grief.

On losing people to the pandemic

One of the topics I think is not much in the national conversation is that so many of the deaths of our loved ones happened in hospitals, emergency rooms and ICUs — and we weren't there to see it. And that is for a very good reason, because we were trying to stop the spread of COVID. So having family members in hospitals did not make sense.

But it means that people are without these memories of watching their loved one become more ill and watching those changes that happen in their body that prepare our mind for the possibility that they might die. To go through that process without those memories makes it much harder to learn what has happened. So many people feel it hasn't really sunk in yet that they're gone.

When A Beloved Life Ends, Virtual Hugs Can't Replace Human Touch

COVID deaths leave thousands of U.S. kids grieving parents or primary caregivers

What I don't hear very often is the fact that with COVID, the loved ones that are left behind made the sacrifice of not being with their loved ones in the hospital in order to stop the spread. And that sacrifice needs to be recognized, I think. In part to help people heal, so that it's understood why they're having such a difficult time. And to elevate the understanding that they did something for the greater good — and they gave up something while they did it.

An excerpted audio version of this interview first appeared in a recent episode of NPR's daily science podcast, Short Wave , hosted by Emily Kwong and produced by Berly McCoy.

• neuroscience

Narrative Essay on Losing a Loved One

Losing a loved one is a profound experience that reshapes our lives in ways we never imagined. It’s a journey through grief that challenges our resilience, alters our perspectives, and ultimately teaches us about the depth of love and the impermanence of life. This narrative essay explores the emotional odyssey of losing a loved one, weaving through the stages of grief, the search for meaning, and the slow, often painful, journey towards healing.

The Unthinkable Reality

It was an ordinary Tuesday morning when the phone rang, shattering the normalcy of my life. The voice on the other end was calm yet distant, bearing the kind of news that instantly makes your heart sink. My beloved grandmother, who had been battling a long illness, had passed away in her sleep. Despite the inevitability of this moment, I was not prepared for the crushing weight of the reality that I would never see her again. The initial shock was numbing, a protective cloak that shielded me from the full impact of my loss.

The Onslaught of Grief

In the days that followed, grief washed over me in waves. At times, it was a quiet sadness that lingered in the background of my daily activities. At others, it was a torrential downpour of emotions, leaving me gasping for air. I struggled with the finality of death, replaying our last conversations, wishing for one more moment to express my love and gratitude. Anger, confusion, and disbelief intermingled, forming a tumultuous storm of feelings I could neither control nor understand.

The rituals of mourning—funeral arrangements, sympathy cards, and memorial services—offered a semblance of structure amidst the chaos. Yet, they also served as stark reminders of the gaping void left by my grandmother’s absence. Stories and memories shared by friends and family painted a rich tapestry of her life, highlighting the profound impact she had on those around her. Through tear-stained eyes, I began to see the extent of my loss, not just as a personal tragedy but as a collective one.

The Search for Meaning

As the initial shock subsided, my grief evolved into a quest for meaning. I sought solace in religion, philosophy, and the arts, searching for answers to the unanswerable questions of life and death. I learned that grief is a universal experience, a fundamental part of the human condition that transcends cultures, religions, and time periods. This realization brought a sense of connection to those who had walked this path before me, offering a glimmer of comfort in my darkest moments.

I also found meaning in honoring my grandmother’s legacy. She was a woman of incredible strength, kindness, and wisdom, who had touched the lives of many. By embodying her values and continuing her work, I could keep her spirit alive. Volunteering, pursuing passions that we shared, and passing on her stories to younger generations became ways to heal and to make sense of a world without her.

The Journey Towards Healing

Healing from the loss of a loved one is neither linear nor predictable. There were days when I felt overwhelmed by sadness, and others when I could smile at fond memories. I learned to accept that grief is not something to be “overcome” but rather integrated into my life. It has become a part of who I am, shaping my understanding of love, loss, and the preciousness of life.

Support from friends, family, and sometimes strangers, who shared their own stories of loss, played a crucial role in my healing process. Their empathy and understanding provided a safe space to express my feelings, to cry, to laugh, and to remember. Counseling and support groups offered additional perspectives and coping strategies, highlighting the importance of seeking help and connection in times of sorrow.

Reflections on Love and Loss

Through this journey, I have come to understand that the pain of loss is a testament to the depth of our love. Grieving deeply means we have loved deeply, and this is both the curse and the beauty of human connections. The scars of loss never truly fade, but they become bearable, interwoven with the love and memories we hold dear.

Losing a loved one is a transformative experience that teaches us about resilience, compassion, and the enduring power of love. It reminds us to cherish the time we have with those we love, to express our feelings openly, and to live fully in the present moment. While the absence of a loved one leaves an irreplaceable void, their influence continues to shape our lives in profound ways.

In closing, the journey through grief is uniquely personal, yet universally shared. It challenges us to find strength we didn’t know we had, to seek connection in our shared humanity, and to discover meaning in the face of loss. Though we may never “get over” the loss of a loved one, we learn to carry their legacy forward, finding solace in the love that never dies but transforms over time.

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Loss of a Beloved

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Published: Mar 25, 2024

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In conclusion, "Lament for a Son" is a profound exploration of grief and loss, a book that speaks to the universal experience of pain and suffering. Through his unflinching honesty and poetic language, Wolterstorff invites us to [...]

The loss of a loved one will always be a painful personal journey, and coping experience that no one is ready for or can prepare for till it happens. The after effect or grief is always personal for everyone that loses a loved [...]

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Words to comfort someone who lost a loved one (and what not to say).

Grief can be a hard pill to swallow for those experiencing it firsthand; some days it goes down easy, and others it gets lodged in the throat.

Grief can also be challenging for bystanders, as the right words to comfort someone who lost a loved one don't always come easy. 

The hard truth is, there's nothing you can say to make grief easier for a friend or loved one, but that doesn't mean your words fall on deaf ears.

Words of sympathy, and even short condolence messages sent via text or a card let them know you're there and thinking of them. If you're stumbling over your words, here is a good place to start.

What to say to comfort someone who lost a loved one

If you want to offer condolences and express your deepest sympathy but draw a blank when figuring out what to say when someone passes away or what to write in a sympathy card, you're not alone.

According to New York City–based grief and trauma therapist Gina Moffa, author of Moving On Doesn't Mean Letting Go: A Modern Guide to Navigating Loss , our society as a whole has not been taught how to contend with loss.

It's like the age-old question, if you don't love yourself, how can you love someone else? If you don't know how to grieve a loved one, how could you possibly know how to support someone else doing the same? 

"Ideally, we show up as us ," Moffa tells mbg. Creating the "right" things to say can often make it feel very removed and formal, and at the end of the day, someone going through loss needs to be reminded that they are still connected.

"It's OK to say, 'I'm so sorry for your loss,' but I encourage you to add more to it—a simple, 'I am thinking of you during this time' can be an add-on to let them know you are present with them."

General phrases to say:

• "I'm thinking of you."
• "I'm so sorry for your loss."
• "I can't imagine what you're going through." 
• "I love you."
• "One of my favorite memories with [loved one] is when…"
• "I am here to support you in any way I can."
• "Please remember to take care of yourself through this difficult time."
• "You, your family, and all who knew [loved one] are in my thoughts and prayers."
• "I'm sending you love and strength during this difficult time."
• "When you're ready to talk, I'm here."
• "Everything you're feeling is justified."
• "I hate that you're feeling this."
• "I'm so sorry you're going through this."
• "No matter what time of day or night, my phone is on. Please don't hesitate to call or text me."
• "Your relationship was so special. Keep those memories close."
• "I'm here to listen." 
• "Grief has no expiration date."
• "They'll always be with you."
• "It's OK not to be okay."
• "We'll get through this together."
• "You are not alone."
• "They knew how much you loved them." 
• "I wish I could take away your pain."
• "I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better." 
• "I'd like to be a part of your support system." 
• "I'd like to support you however I can, even if that means giving you space." 
• "What do you need the most right now?"
• "Take as long as you need to grieve and heal." 

Things to put in a sympathy card:

• "Thinking of you during this difficult time." 
• "My deepest condolences on the loss of [loved one]." 
• "My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time." 
• "Thinking of you as you celebrate the wonderful life of [loved one]." 
• "[Loved one] will be forever in our hearts." 
• "Wishing you moments of peace as you mourn the great loss of [loved one]."
• "I'm so sorry to hear about [loved one]."
• "I was deeply saddened to hear of [loved one]'s passing."
• "Words cannot express how deeply sorry I am for your loss."
• "May you find comfort in the memories you shared with one another. Keep them with you and hold them close." 

Comforting quotes about grief and loss:

When the right words are escaping you but you want to say something other than "I'm sorry," sometimes quotes about grief and loss from experts and authors can speak to your loved one's experience: 

• "What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." —Helen Keller
• "A great soul serves everyone all the time. A great soul never dies. It brings us together again and again." —Maya Angelou
• "Unable are the loved to die, for love is immortality." —Emily Dickinson
• "Grief is the price we pay for love." —Queen Elizabeth II
• "May you walk gently through the world, keeping your loved one with you always, knowing that you are never parted in the beating of your heart." —Apache grief blessing, author unknown
• "Death ends a life, not a relationship." —Mitch Albom
• "May there be comfort in knowing that someone so special will never be forgotten." —Julie Hebert
• "Those we love never truly leave us. There are things that death cannot touch." —Jack Thorne
• "How lucky I am that makes saying goodbye so hard." —Winnie the Pooh
• "Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." —Vicki Harrison
• "You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to." —Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
• "In times of grief and sorrow, I will hold you and rock you and take your grief and make it my own. When you cry I cry and when you hurt I hurt. And together we will try to hold back the floods of tears and despair and make it through the potholed street of life." —Nicholas Sparks
• "It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone." —John Steinbeck

Things not to say to someone who lost a loved one

If you're still struggling to find the right words to say to someone who lost a loved one, it might help to be aware of what not to say.

While sentiments like "I know exactly how you feel" and "Everything happens for a reason" are well-intentioned, intuitive personal and corporate life coach Mason Farmani warns they can come off as dismissive or as minimizing the individual's pain. 

"Regardless of the age or circumstances of the deceased, every loss is valid and deserving of empathy and support," Farmani tells mbg.

Keeping that in mind, here are a few examples of things not to say to someone who lost a loved one:

• "They're in a better place."
• "They're at peace now."
• "They lived a long life."
• "I know how you feel."
• "Everything happens for a reason."
• "It was their time."
• "Give it time."
• "Time heals all wounds."
• "They're not suffering anymore."
• "This isn't goodbye , just see you later ."
• "You'll see them again someday."
• "Don't cry, it will be OK."
• "We may not always understand it, but God has a plan."
• "Be grateful for the time you did have with them."

Grief isn't linear, and your loved one may be feeling it for a while, in more ways than one

As much as we would love to take a friend or loved one's pain away while they're working through a loss, grief is personal.

On average, a person moves through the  five stages of grief 1 in the 24 months post-loss, but sometimes, grief leaves long-lasting responses, in which the intense feeling of loss persists and affects a person's ability to live their life.

This is called prolonged grief disorder , and while the support of loved ones can help, additional treatment options should be considered as well. 

While most people think of grief in terms of how it will emotionally impact an individual, loss can take a toll on a person's physical well-being too.

For example, according to research published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine , symptoms of bereavement-related distress significantly increased participating individuals' systolic blood pressure (the pressure in your arteries when your heart beats) and diastolic blood pressure (the pressure in your arteries in between heartbeats).

In addition to cardiovascular effects, grief can change the biomarkers 2 of the loved ones of those who've passed, including their immune system, endocrinology, and autonomic nervous system. 

The more grief is felt, and the longer it prolongs, the more impact it will have on the individual's overall well-being. In addition to its emotional and physical effects, grief can also negatively impact a person's mental health.

This is especially true in those who lose a loved one early on in life , as the mental effects can disrupt their development and their ability to perform in school or work and lead to feelings of loneliness 3 , which can spiral into other dark thoughts and emotions.

So when words escape you, take action 

If you still find yourself at a loss for words, Moffa reminds us that actions speak louder, especially in times of grief. So, rather than send a sympathy card, do something to show you care. 

"While words can bring connection, doing something for someone enduring loss is even better," Moffa tells mbg over email. "If you know what kind of food they like, have some delivered. Drop off food, or take care of something you know they may need help with. Send a card, flowers, or a thoughtful token of your care."

The takeaway

No words can make the heartache of grief disappear, but as the saying goes, it's the thought that counts.

Reaching out with condolences and words of sympathy to comfort someone who has lost a loved one lets that person know you're thinking of them as they go through this difficult time. 

• https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/205661
• https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6844541/
• https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X21000725

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Eulogy writing guide, funeral speeches for a work colleague, tribute speech to dad from daughter, funeral speech writing advice, butlers funeral home & chapel obituaries.

• April 30, 2024

Table of Contents

Introduction to Butlers Funeral Home & Chapel

A history of excellence, funeral services offered, pre-planning services, community involvement, staff profiles, contact information, frequently asked questions.

Located at 119 Brooklyn Avenue, Red Springs, NC, Butlers Funeral Home & Chapel is a trusted and respected funeral home that has been serving the community for many years. With a commitment to providing compassionate and personalized service, the team at Butlers Funeral Home & Chapel is dedicated to helping families say goodbye to their loved ones with dignity and respect.

Butlers Funeral Home & Chapel has a rich history of providing exceptional funeral services to the people of Red Springs and surrounding areas. The funeral home has built a reputation for its professionalism, empathy, and attention to detail, making it the go-to choice for families who want to honor their loved ones in a meaningful way.

Butlers Funeral Home & Chapel

Butlers Funeral Home & Chapel offers a wide range of funeral services to cater to the unique needs of each family. From traditional funerals and memorial services to cremations and celebrations of life, the funeral home's experienced team will work closely with you to create a personalized and meaningful ceremony that reflects your loved one's personality and spirit.

In addition to these services, Butlers Funeral Home & Chapel also provides grief support and counseling to help families navigate the difficult time following the loss of a loved one. The funeral home's staff understands that grieving is a process that takes time, and they are committed to supporting you every step of the way.

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The chapel at Butlers Funeral Home & Chapel is a serene and peaceful space that can accommodate large or small gatherings. With its comfortable seating and state-of-the-art audiovisual equipment, the chapel provides an ideal setting for families to come together and celebrate the life of their loved one.

Butlers Funeral Home & Chapel also offers pre-planning services, which allow individuals to plan their funeral in advance. This thoughtful gesture can provide peace of mind for both the individual and their loved ones, as it ensures that their final wishes are respected and carried out.

The funeral home's pre-planning experts will guide you through the process, helping you make informed decisions about your funeral arrangements. They will also help you explore your options for payment plans and insurance assignments, making it easier for you to plan ahead without financial burden.

Butlers Funeral Home & Chapel is deeply committed to the community it serves. The funeral home's staff is actively involved in local organizations and charities, working tirelessly to make a positive impact on the lives of those around them.

From sponsoring community events to participating in fundraising campaigns, Butlers Funeral Home & Chapel demonstrates its dedication to giving back to the community. This commitment to social responsibility is just one of the many reasons why families trust the funeral home with their most precious memories.

The team at Butlers Funeral Home & Chapel is comprised of experienced and compassionate professionals who are dedicated to providing exceptional service. From licensed funeral directors to administrative staff, each member of the team plays a vital role in ensuring that families receive the care and support they need during a difficult time.

With years of experience in the funeral industry, the staff at Butlers Funeral Home & Chapel has developed a deep understanding of what families need during this challenging time. They are committed to providing personalized attention, guidance, and support every step of the way.

If you're looking for a trusted and compassionate funeral home in Red Springs, NC, look no further than Butlers Funeral Home & Chapel. You can reach out to them by phone at [phone number] or visit their website at [website URL]. Their friendly staff is always available to answer your questions, provide guidance, or simply offer a listening ear.

In conclusion, Butlers Funeral Home & Chapel is a beacon of hope and comfort for families in Red Springs and beyond. With its rich history, exceptional services, and commitment to community involvement, this esteemed funeral home is truly a place where love never dies.

What is an obituary?

An obituary is a written notice that announces the death of a person, typically including biographical information, details about their life, and information about the funeral or memorial service. It is usually published in a newspaper, online obituary platform, or other public medium.

Why are obituaries important?

Obituaries serve as a way to inform friends, family, and community members of a person's passing, allowing them to pay their respects and offer condolences. They also provide a lasting tribute to the deceased, preserving their memory and legacy for generations to come.

What information is typically included in an obituary?

A typical obituary includes the person's name, age, date of birth and death, cause of death (optional), surviving family members, achievements, hobbies, and details about the funeral or memorial service.

Who writes an obituary?

Obituaries can be written by family members, friends, or a professional writer hired by the funeral home or obituary publication. In some cases, the deceased may have written their own obituary prior to their passing.

How long does it take to write an obituary?

The time it takes to write an obituary can vary depending on the complexity and length of the piece. On average, it can take anywhere from 30 minutes to several hours to write a comprehensive and meaningful obituary.

Can I include photos in an obituary?

Yes, many obituary publications and online platforms allow you to include one or more photos of the deceased. This can help personalize the obituary and make it more engaging for readers.

How much does it cost to publish an obituary?

The cost of publishing an obituary varies depending on the publication, location, and length of the piece. On average, the cost can range from $50 to $500 or more.

Can I edit an obituary after it's been published?

In most cases, it is possible to make corrections or edits to an obituary after it has been published. However, this may depend on the publication's policies and deadlines.

How long do obituaries stay online?

The length of time an obituary remains online varies depending on the publication or platform. Some may keep them online indefinitely, while others may remove them after a certain period of time.

Can I include quotes or poems in an obituary?

Yes, many people choose to include quotes, poems, or other literary pieces that were meaningful to the deceased or reflect their personality.

What is the difference between an obituary and a death notice?

A death notice is a brief announcement of a person's passing, typically including only basic information such as name, age, and date of death. An obituary is a longer, more detailed piece that provides a fuller picture of the person's life.

Can I write my own obituary in advance?

Yes, many people choose to write their own obituaries in advance as a way to ensure that their story is told accurately and authentically. This can also be a therapeutic exercise in reflecting on one's life and accomplishments.

How do I submit an obituary to a newspaper or online platform?

The process for submitting an obituary varies depending on the publication or platform. Typically, you will need to provide the written text and any accompanying photos or documents through an online portal or by email.

Can I include charitable donations or memorial funds in an obituary?

Yes, many people choose to include information about charitable donations or memorial funds in lieu of flowers. This can be a meaningful way to honor the deceased and support a cause they cared about.

How do I find old obituaries?

You can search for old obituaries through online archives, genealogy websites, or local libraries. Many newspapers also maintain archives of past issues that can be searched by date or keyword.

Can I republish an obituary from another source?

In general, it is acceptable to republish an obituary from another source as long as you properly attribute the original author and publication. However, it's always best to check with the original publisher for permission first.

What if I need help writing an obituary?

If you're struggling to write an obituary, consider enlisting the help of a friend or family member who knew the deceased well. You can also hire a professional writer or seek guidance from a funeral home or bereavement counselor.

Can I include humor in an obituary?

Absolutely! Humor can be a wonderful way to celebrate the deceased's personality and spirit. Just be sure to keep the tone respectful and avoid offending anyone who may be grieving.

How do I handle errors or inaccuracies in an obituary?

If you discover errors or inaccuracies in an obituary, contact the publication or platform immediately to request corrections. They will typically work with you to resolve the issue as quickly as possible.

Can I create a digital archive of my loved one's obituary?

Yes! Many online platforms offer digital archiving options that allow you to save and share your loved one's obituary with family and friends. You can also create your own digital archive using cloud storage services like Google Drive or Dropbox.

What if I'm not comfortable writing an obituary myself?

If you're not comfortable writing an obituary yourself, consider enlisting the help of a friend or family member who knew the deceased well. You can also hire a professional writer or seek guidance from a funeral home or bereavement counselor.

Can I include links to social media profiles in an obituary?

Yes! Including links to social media profiles can be a great way to share more about your loved one's life and connect with others who are grieving.

How do I ensure that my loved one's legacy lives on through their obituary?

To ensure that your loved one's legacy lives on through their obituary, focus on telling their story in a way that captures their personality, passions, and values. Consider including anecdotes, quotes, and photos that showcase their spirit and impact on others.

Can I use an online template to write an obituary?

Yes! There are many online templates available that can guide you through the process of writing an obituary. These templates often provide prompts and examples to help you get started.

What if I'm unsure about what information to include in an obituary?

If you're unsure about what information to include in an obituary, consider seeking guidance from a funeral home director, bereavement counselor, or trusted friend or family member. They can help you determine what details are most important to include.

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The Modern Love Issue

Can a Sexless Marriage Be a Happy One?

Experts and couples are challenging the conventional wisdom that sex is essential to relationships.

Credit... Tonje Thilesen for The New York Times

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By Amanda Montei

• Published April 17, 2024 Updated April 18, 2024

Will and Rose met online 10 years ago. His screen name was professorparsley, and he looked the part — tall and thin, with glasses, features that Rose found attractive. On their first date, Rose learned that Will was a college student living with his mother, and his handle came from a nickname given to him by a child at an art camp where he worked. They laugh about it now, as they do with most things. Will thought Rose was exciting and direct. He grew up in suburban Ontario, and she was from Southern California, which was like another world to him. Right away, what they loved about each other were their differences.

Listen to this article, read by Julia Whelan

Rose was drawn to how stable Will seemed — so unlike the other men she had dated, who dreaded commitment. Their relationship survived multiple moves, about a year of long-distance dating and the challenges of finding time to be together while living with parents and roommates. Now, seven years into their marriage, they have their own place: a one-bedroom apartment in Los Angeles, where Rose sees Pilates clients. Will is gone during the day, teaching, and at night they cuddle in bed and watch television. “It’s my favorite part of the day,” Rose says. (Rose and Will are middle names. All subjects asked to be referred to by their first names, middle names or a nickname, out of concerns for their privacy.)

As much as Will grounds her, Rose feels that the familiar calm of their relationship also shuts her down sexually. They go months without sex, but they don’t lack intimacy. They have a policy of never refusing a hug, something they instituted to resolve the minor disagreements that inevitably crop up in any relationship. They have also talked candidly about how, for her, the safe predictability of their marriage — the quality she loves about their lives together — dulls her sex drive. She knows that can be confusing, even frustrating, for Will, but she doesn’t like the idea of forcing herself to have sex. Rose’s mother, now divorced, felt obligated to have sex with Rose’s father once a week. That’s not the kind of relationship Rose wants.

To get into a sexual mood, Rose relies on a set of rituals to help build anticipation — doing her hair and makeup, shaving her legs, having a glass of wine over dinner or, when their schedules allow, going on vacation to break out of their routines. Will doesn’t need to do anything to feel ready for sex, and Rose sees this as another way in which they’re different. Over the years, they have accepted that this is what their sex life looks like, and will look like, if they want to be together, which they do.

During the pandemic, the couple went more than a year without having sex, but they savored their extra time together. Rose used to spend hours driving in traffic to different workout studios, coming home late, not seeing her husband much. Stuck at home, they took walks around their neighborhood. They talked constantly. They started taking online yoga classes together, a hobby that stuck. Will appreciates these smaller opportunities to connect. Rose thinks she’s not the nurturing type, but Will disagrees. “She’s not stingy in spirit or time,” he says.

Sometimes they shower together and hold each other naked, without any expectation of sex. Though Will remains hopeful that these moments will lead to something else, he doesn’t push it.

Cultural attitudes about the role sex plays in a marriage have evolved significantly over time. Where once marital sex was primarily a means for bearing children, in recent decades, the conventional wisdom was that frequent sex was integral to a happy union. During the 1990s, a new wave of sex positivity coincided with the ascendancy of different forms of therapy, including couples counseling. Experts coached couples on how to strengthen their marriages, often relying on the belief that healthy relationships included consistent sex with partners. By the 2010s, appointment sex had become one popular method for maintaining intimacy and, somewhat implicitly, safeguarding against separation.

In more recent years, however, both relationship experts and couples themselves have been gradually dismantling some of these commonly held views, working to destigmatize the unconventional approaches that some take to stay together. Online groups have sprung up for couples who challenge basic assumptions that spouses should share a bedroom or even a home. Sharon Hyman, who runs a Facebook group called Apartners for couples who have chosen to live separately, told me that many of the members in her community find their sex lives improve when they don’t spend every minute together. “My goal is to show that there are healthy options for relationships,” Hyman says. “No one size fits all.”

One effect of the ever-changing sexual climate is that many couples today are simply less willing to tolerate what the psychotherapist Esther Perel calls “boredom” in the bedroom. Perel has made a career of articulating how domestic overexposure saps eroticism, which requires some intrigue, mystery and unfamiliarity. That’s not to suggest that long-term love and desire are impossible, but according to Perel, keeping sexual interest alive requires getting creative. In her podcast, “Where Should We Begin?” Perel helps couples explore and articulate their fantasies, honor each other as individuals and experiment with new approaches to fulfilling their desires together.

For Perel, as for many other relationship experts, that sometimes means re-examining investment in another foundational premise of marriage: monogamy. The advice columnist Dan Savage, too, has argued that monogamy isn’t entirely plausible, or pleasurable, for everyone, and is critical of Americans’ obsession with moralizing infidelity. He encourages married people to be honest with each other about how hard it is to carry the responsibility of fulfilling their partner’s sexual and emotional needs for decades on end.

While some are questioning the standard of monogamous sex in marriage by exploring polyamorous and open relationships, others are pushing back against the pressure to have sex at all. In fact, Americans on the whole are having less sex than they used to — across race, gender, region, educational level and work status. One study found that American adults born in the 1990s are having less sex than older generations; they are in fewer steady partnerships, and those who are partnered are also having less sex. The 2021 General Social Survey found that about 50 percent of all adults polled had sex once a month or less , with half of those people reporting they hadn’t had sex for a year. Researchers have speculated about the reasons for this 30-year sexual low, from isolation caused by technology to cultural conversations about consent.

Many younger women, for instance, shaped in part by the #MeToo movement, are engaging in intentional abstinence. There are trends on TikTok about going “boysober,” a word coined by the comedian Hope Woodard, who says that taking a break from sex can be empowering for women who previously altered their desires to accommodate men. The digital feminist 4B movement, which originated in South Korea but has spread globally through social media, advocates a rejection of childbearing, as well as heterosexual dating, marriage and sex. “Platonic life partners,” meanwhile — friends who commit to owning a home and even raising children together — insist that sex and romance are not necessary to lifelong unions.

The sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski is resistant to the idea that frequent sex should be a chief component of every committed relationship. Nagoski — who has been open about her own hiatus from marital sex — doesn’t endorse obligatory sex, nor does she encourage aiming for any sexual base line in terms of regularity or behavior. Drawing on the work of the Canadian sexologist Peggy Kleinplatz, Nagoski believes that low desire can sometimes be evidence of good judgment. “It’s not dysfunctional not to want sex you don’t like,” Nagoski says.

In her new book, “Come Together,” Nagoski urges couples who want to explore their sexualities and deepen their sexual bond to begin by figuring out what each person wants when they want sex. For many, sex represents freedom from the ordinary, but what it takes to get there will look different for every couple and is likely to change over time. After all, desires don’t always align, or they evolve in unexpected ways.

Michelle and John met in 2005 at a party, and in the early years of their relationship, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Four years ago, however, after experiencing what she calls a “traumatic” childbirth, Michelle began to worry that intercourse would cause her pain.

She and John did not have sex for a year after they became parents. Now they can go months without it. Friends of theirs, too, seem to be experiencing new chapters in their own sex lives and opening up their marriages, which has sparked conversations between Michelle and John about the possibilities for reinvigorating their sex life. But they don’t always agree on what they want, or what they’re comfortable with.

John knows, however, that having sex outside the marriage is a red line for Michelle. She witnessed infidelity tear apart her parents’ relationship. “I think there’s a big fear about ‘I have an urge that may be resolved in a minute or two,’ but the sense of what could be broken is not worth the risk,” John says.

Love, for both, is about much more than fulfilling those momentary desires. After almost two decades together, they consider themselves best friends and “soul mates.” When they first began dating, Michelle was reeling from the loss of her brother, who died in a car accident. She talked with John about the experience on an early date, and they were inseparable after that. John thought she was beautiful and wanted to spend as much time with her as he could. Michelle thought he was a welcome distraction, someone who could lift her out of her grief. They went to concerts. He made her mixtapes. But there were also times when she broke down crying, and he was there for her.

John used to try to comfort Michelle by saying he understood how she felt, but when he lost his own brother in 2012, he realized how wrong he had been. As he mourned, Michelle “just knew what to do in the unspoken moments — whether it was knowing when to give me space, or knowing when I needed a hug, or I just needed her to be next to me,” John says. Today, Michelle remains the “central piece” of his happiness.

Michelle and John share a one-bedroom with their daughter, and while they get some privacy during the day, they’re busy working from home. Now, most days, Michelle masturbates in the morning, while John takes their daughter to preschool. He masturbates at night in the bathroom, while watching porn on his phone. For John, it’s merely a physical release, but for Michelle, pleasuring herself serves a different purpose: She is trying to figure out what makes her feel good. Exploring her changed body alone eliminates the guilt she has when she can’t climax with her husband. She doesn’t want him to think it has anything to do with him. “I want to get there, but it’s not getting there,” she says.

Of the more than 30 married people I interviewed, many, like Michelle, told me that becoming parents irrevocably changed their sex lives. Camille, who lives in California, felt her marriage was the most solid and caring relationship she had ever experienced, but becoming a mother distanced her from her desire. “It feels like something I can’t quite touch, like in another room, or another part of me that I don’t know how to access,” she says.

Other mothers started to see sex as one more chore, another line item on their list of responsibilities. Keti, a mother of a neurodivergent child who craved being held, found that sex with her husband had become “robotic” as she began to see it as “one more demand.” Her husband was doing everything he could to support her, but she felt an obligation to get back to their old sex life, even though she wanted “desperately to go into a forest and just lie down and not hear anyone or anything.”

Lilien, who has two kids, says becoming a mother was a turning point for her. She had to leave her previous career and didn’t know who she was or what she wanted. “My identity was totally eviscerated,” she says. “I was really confused about what my worth was.” Her history of sexual assault also resurfaced in profound ways. She thought she needed to be “permeable” to nurture her children. She didn’t have the capacity to extend that physical openness to her husband. She couldn’t stand soft caresses from him, which felt like the tickling of her child’s hands.

Lilien’s husband, Philip, never pressured her to be intimate, for which she is grateful. “The most important thing for me was to maintain a place where the sex you have is very positive, very consensual, very understood and mutually enjoyed,” he says. Five years later, Philip knows she is still coming to terms with everything motherhood has brought into her life. Recently they started having more sex, about once every other month. Lilien loves her husband’s firm back rubs, which he’s happy to give.

Other couples, much like Rose and Will, confessed to feeling sexually misaligned with their partners as their desires shifted in different directions. Jean, a 38-year-old mother living in Virginia, told me that her husband’s interest in sex has dropped off gradually over the course of their 13-year marriage. She, on the other hand, experienced what she called “a secondary puberty” as her kids grew older and became less dependent on her. She felt “so sexually charged” that she visited her gynecologist to confirm she wasn’t having a hormonal issue. She’s now trying to figure out how to navigate her husband’s low desire. “I feel like I’m living in the upside-down a lot of the time,” she says. “My friends complain about their husbands grabbing their butt while they wash dishes, and I think, Wow, I would love to feel wanted like that.”

Another mother, Emily, says that sex gradually became less important over the course of her 34-year marriage. When her kids were little, intimacy with her husband stalled briefly, but as their children grew older, they had a “revival of a good sex life,” Emily says. Now she is 59 and has had several operations resulting from a battle with cancer, including a hysterectomy and mastectomy. As a result, her desire lessened, and sex began to feel like “vacuuming the house” — something she did to make her husband happy. And he noticed. “If you are used to somebody responding to you in a certain way, you can tell when they are acting,” she says. “I wasn’t the same person.”

One night in bed, about 10 years after she went on a hormone treatment for her cancer that put her into early menopause, they had a frank conversation about their sex life. “We discussed my lack of desire, and he said that if I’m not turned on, then he’s not either,” Emily says. He admitted that his sex drive had dipped, too. So they decided not to force it. She feels there’s some cultural pressure for older people to keep up their sex lives into their 80s. She’s read, with skepticism, articles claiming that maintaining sex later in life is healthy. “Is it?” she said. “I don’t know.”

Emily feels their marriage has progressed naturally: They experienced decades of passion, and while they remain affectionate outside of the bedroom, their relationship now transcends sex in many ways. It’s about the life they’ve built together. “We’ve been in a sexless relationship for years now,” Emily says. “We get along great, but we’re more like best buds than lovers.”

Despite their insistence that sex isn’t essential in their marriages, most of the couples I spoke with still keep track of how often they have sex. They also appear haunted by how far they deviate from perceived norms. John, for instance, hopes he and his wife can work back up to having sex two or three times a week, but admits he has no idea where that figure came from.

Numbers, Nagoski believes, can be a counterproductive metric. It’s impossible to hear such statistics and not judge one’s relationship against them. Numbers also don’t account for whether participants are enjoying the sex they are having. “You’re comparing yourself — you’re judging yourself as OK or inadequate — compared to a whole bunch of people you’re not having sex with, who are not having sex with you,” Nagoski says.

For couples measuring themselves against what Nagoski calls the “fictions” of sex, or for those worried that their relationship is on the line whenever they enter the bedroom or don’t meet some monthly number, there may be too much pressure for sex to be enjoyable. It’s more important that couples establish what kind of sex is worth having.

‘There are people who tell you all the sex they’re having. I feel like it’s a lot more common that a lot of people are not.’

Rose admits to feeling the weight of societal expectations. Recently she decided that since she and Will were rarely having sex, she would have her birth-control implant removed from her arm. During the procedure, the nurse intimated there was something wrong with Rose’s marriage. Rose felt shamed and angry. The idea that she should be living in a constant state of arousal with her husband after a decade together is, to her, ridiculous, but also part of a facade she thinks many married couples maintain.

“There are people who tell you all the sex they’re having,” she says. “I feel like it’s a lot more common that a lot of people are not.” With the help of her therapist, Rose is exploring whether her A.D.H.D. may play a role in her need to seek new stimuli — not because she sees it as a problem but because she is interested in understanding her desire more fully. “Apparently the partner fatigue I experience is not so uncommon because our ‘special’ brains are always seeking out what’s new,” she says.

Will sometimes turns to Buddhist writings on restraint to explore his sexuality. He jokes there may be some confirmation bias at work, but he thinks his wife’s self-awareness — and her unwillingness to force herself into sex that she doesn’t want to have — has matured him. For Will, intimacy is less about completion and more about connection. “I’ve learned, even just about the act of sex itself, the ending is not always the best part,” Will says. “There’s pleasure throughout the spectrum.”

In March, for Rose’s 40th birthday, they took a trip to Hawaii. She switched off her phone for hours as they sprawled out by the ocean. Will remembers turning toward his wife and staring at her, watching her relaxing, her body loose. In that moment, he wasn’t thinking about sex or how beautiful Rose looked under the sun. He was thinking about how similar they actually are. More than anything, they want to enjoy themselves in their own way, to savor the small moments when they can let the rest of the world fade away.

Amanda Montei is the author of “Touched Out: Motherhood, Misogyny, Consent and Control.” She is based in California.

Read by Julia Whelan

Narration produced by Anna Diamond and Tanya Pérez

Engineered by Joel Thibodeau

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Washington Square News

Guest Essay: Open letter from NYU parents, guardians and loved ones in response to Mills mobilizing NYPD against our students

To Linda Mills, 

We write to you as concerned and disturbed parents, guardians and loved ones of NYU students. We received an email from Linda Mills and Fountain Walker detailing the events at the Gaza Solidarity Encampment on Monday. NYU’s email has not reassured us; rather, the lies you are pushing infuriate and deeply alarm us. Our number one priority is the safety of our children and their freedom of expression. Your push of misinformation is a betrayal of trust and a blatant attempt to deflect accountability for the university’s violent and horrific actions. 

Gould Plaza is one of the only spaces on NYU’s campus where students can gather in large groups, yet upon assembling, NYU labeled their presence an offense, calling it “trespassing” and barring our students from freedom of movement on their own campus. Students organized in a peaceful, appropriate manner, exercising their right to free speech — something that NYU celebrates as a part of a rich history of political activism and global awareness. 

The “breach” referred to in the email was neither violent nor aggressive. Students entered the plaza holding their NYU IDs high to demonstrate the hypocrisy of the university’s restriction of free speech and freedom of assembly on the campus they attend. 

We have not been offered any proof of an incident of intimidation, unsafe behavior, or antisemitism that you touted to justify the brutalization of our students. In fact, many of the protesters on the plaza identified themselves as Jewish, holding signs that said “anti-Zionism is not anti-semitism,” leading the group in a Jewish prayer and Seder service that went on in front of hundreds without interruption. 

We support our students’ right to protest. The point of a protest is to raise awareness and attention for global causes our students are passionate about — disruption, enthusiasm and outspoken advocacy are key tenets of successful protest. It was Linda Mills and NYU, who authorized riot police to arrest our students, that created a dangerous and violent situation. The NYPD slammed students and faculty to the ground, pepper-sprayed and zip-tied hands behind their backs before loading NYU community members onto buses. Many students arrested were only at the protest for a matter of minutes. This is all well documented. Your attempt to assuage parents’ concerns after this gross conduct is unconvincing.

What is left out entirely from Linda Mills’ account is the brutality of the disproportionate police response in arresting and harassing student protestors. We watched videos of unnecessary and extreme violence on our children and we hold Linda Mills responsible. Additionally, there is no mention of reported campus lockdowns that occurred later that evening. Our children report that they were locked out of residence halls and other campus facilities, unable to reach safety. Failing to recognize and address this issue is beyond concerning. The university should be providing students with safe spaces to express their opinions and be heard. If you are incapable of protecting our kids’ First Amendment rights and distinguishing between legitimate protest and criminal activity, you should step down.

We are grateful to our NYU professors who physically put themselves in front of our kids to try and keep them safe. What does it say to NYU that your own professors were willing to risk their jobs and safety to protect our kids against the administration’s actions?

We condemn in the strongest terms Linda Mills’ and Fountain Walker’s orders to arrest and brutalize our children. 

NYU Parents, Guardians and Loved Ones

As of publication time, the letter has 598 signatures.

WSN’s Opinion section strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion section are solely the views of the writer.

Contact the opinion desk at [email protected] .

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Katherine Girsch • Apr 29, 2024 at 9:42 pm

Beautifully stated.

David Elliot Hubler • Apr 29, 2024 at 6:27 pm

As a member of NYU’s WSC Class of 1963 and co-editor in chief of Washington Square Journal, the predecessor of WSN, I share the thoughts and outrage of the many current NYU students and parents who condemn the actions of President Linda Mills, et al. Keep up the excellent journalism and especially the reportage of the current struggle for freedom of religion and civil rights for all religions.

Aw • Apr 29, 2024 at 6:11 pm

Well said. Free speech should be protected, especially when these are anti-war protests, which have taken place on university grounds over many decades.

Universities should not buckle to pressure from Congress, given that we have a Congress that is heavily influenced by AIPAC. We need moral clarity from university leaders.

Harry Iceland • Apr 29, 2024 at 4:43 pm

So moving. Across the country university leadership is cowering to the worst politicians and conservative donors and failing students and faculty . Shame!

Shelton Bradford • Apr 29, 2024 at 3:18 pm

I just read the letter, if “outside agitators” and protesters are that are not student affiliated are on private property, it’s trespassing. Period. The letter response to Jewish students complaints of anti-semitism is to insist there is no proof of anti-semitism despite evidence to the contrary and the “I’m not anti-semitic, my best friends are Jewish” Defence.