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Why kids lie and what parents can do about it.

How to help kids find honest alternatives to bending the truth.

Writer: Beth Arky

Clinical Expert: Matthew H. Rouse, PhD

What You'll Learn

• What are some reasons kids lie?
• What can parents do about lying?
• How can parents help their kids avoid lying to begin with?

We know kids sometimes lie to get what they want, avoid trouble, or get out of things. But there are plenty of other reasons kids might not tell the truth.  

Young kids might lie to see what happens. Kids who feel bad about themselves might lie to seem cooler. Depressed or anxious kids might lie because they don’t want others to worry. Sometimes kids with ADHD just talk before they think. 

What parents should do depends on how bad the lying is and where the lie comes from. If a kid lies every so often for attention, it’s best to ignore it and move on. If it keeps happening, you might gently call them on it. Say, “Hey, this sounds like a tall tale. Why don’t you try again and tell me what really happened?”   

When older kids lie about something serious, the punishment should fit the size of the lie. Kids also need to deal with what they lied about to begin with. Say your child lied about not having homework all week. They need to do all that work. Plus, they should face a consequence like temporarily losing screen time.   

To avoid lies , let kids know they’ll be in less trouble if they tell the truth. Then follow through on that. You can also give your child a second chance to tell the truth. Walk away for a few minutes and let them answer again. And putting kids on the spot can set them up to lie. If you know what really happened, skip to that.

Finally, never call your child a liar . That causes more hurt and makes your child think you don’t trust them.  

Call them fibs, whoppers or straight-up untruths: However you label them, kids are likely to lie somewhere along the way. While a younger child may conjure up an elaborate tale about how she couldn’t possibly have kicked a younger sibling, older kids may flat-out lie about doing their homework .

Sometimes the onset of lying is sudden and intense, reports Matthew Rouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist. “It’s a new thing where they were pretty truthful most of the time before and then suddenly they’re lying about a lot of stuff,” he says. This, of course, is concerning to parents. But if caregivers can understand why kids lie and be prepared to deal with the issue, the truth can come out.

Why kids lie

  Most parents think children lie to get something they want, avoid a consequence or get out of something they don’t want to do. These are common motivations, but there are also some less obvious reasons why kids might not tell the truth — or at least the whole truth.

To test out a new behavior

Dr. Rouse says one reason children lie is because they’ve discovered this novel idea and are trying it out, just as they do with most kinds of behaviors, to see what happens. “They’ll wonder, what happens if I lie about this situation?” he says. “What will it do for me? What does it get me out of? What does it get me?’”

To enhance self-esteem and gain approval

Children who lack confidence may tell grandiose lies to make themselves seem more impressive, special or talented to inflate their self-esteem and make themselves look good in the eyes of others.  Dr. Rouse recalls treating an eighth-grader who was exaggerating wildly about 80 percent of the time: “They were kind of incredible experiences that weren’t within the bounds of plausible at all.” For instance, the boy would say he’d gone to a party and everyone had started to chant for him when he came in the door.

To get the focus off themselves

Children with anxiety or depression might lie about their symptoms to get the spotlight off them, Dr. Rouse notes. Or they might minimize their issues, saying something like “No, no I slept fine last night” because they don’t want people worrying about them.

Speaking before they think

Carol Brady, PhD, a clinical psychologist and regular columnist for ADDitude magazine who works with a lot of kids with ADHD , says they may lie out of impulsivity. “One of the hallmarks of the impulsive type of ADHD is to talk before they think,” she says, “so a lot of times you’re going to get this lying issue.”

Sometimes kids can really believe they’ve done something and tell what sounds like a lie, Dr. Brady adds. “Sometimes they’ll really just forget. I have kids who say, ‘To tell you the truth, Dr. Brady, I thought I did my homework. I really thought I did. I didn’t remember I had that extra work.’” When this happens, she says, they need help supplementing their memory by using techniques such as checklists, time limits and organizers.

And then there are white lies

Just to make things even trickier, in certain situations parents might actually encourage children to tell a white lie in order to spare someone’s feelings. In this case, the white lie and when to use it fall under the umbrella of social skills.

What parents can do about lying

Both Dr. Rouse and Dr. Brady say it’s first important to think about the function of the lie. “When I’m doing an evaluation, there are questions on our intake forms where parents can check off whether the child lies,” Dr. Rouse says. “It’s something I might spend 20 minutes delving into. What kinds of lies, what are the circumstances of the lies?” He says behavioral treatments depend on the function of the lies and the severity of the problem . “There are no hard and fast guidelines,” he says. “Different levels mean different repercussions.”

Level 1 lie

When it comes to attention-seeking lying, Dr. Rouse says that, generally speaking, it’s best to ignore it. Rather than saying harshly, “That’s a lie. I know that didn’t happen to you,” he suggests a gentle approach where parents don’t necessarily have a consequence but they’re also not trying to feed it a lot of attention.

This is especially true if the lying is coming from place of low self-esteem. “So if they’re saying, ‘I scored 10 goals today at recess in soccer and everybody put me on their shoulders and it was amazing’ and you think it’s not true, then I would say don’t ask a bunch of follow-up questions.” For these kind of low-level lies that aren’t really hurting anyone but aren’t good behavior, ignoring and redirecting to something that you know is more factual is the way to go.

Level 2 lie

If that doesn’t work, Dr. Rouse says, parents can be more transparent about it by offering a mild reprimand. “I’ve had situations where it’s an inflated kind of fantastical type of lie,” he says. “I’ll have parents label it and call it a tall tale. If the child is telling one of these stories, a parent will gently say, ‘Hey, this sounds like a tall tale, why don’t you try again and tell me what really happened?’ ” It’s about pointing out the behavior and encouraging kids to try again.

Level 3 lie

If something is more serious, like older kids lying about where they’ve been or whether they’ve done their homework, parents can think about having a consequence . Kids should be clear that there will be repercussions for this kind of lie, so it’s not coming out of the blue. Like all consequences, Dr. Rouse recommends it should be something short-lived, not overblown, which gives the child a chance to get back to practicing better behaviors. Some examples: losing her phone for an hour or having to do a chore

Also, depending on the severity, there also has to be a component of addressing what they were lying about. If a child has said they didn’t have any homework all week and then the parent finds out they had homework every day, there needs to be some kind of consequence for the lying and they also have to sit down and do all the work. If they’ve hit another child and lied about it, there’s a consequence for the lying and also for hitting. In this case, Dr. Rouse says, you would also have your child write an apology letter to the other child.

Ways to help your kids avoid lying in the first place  

Let them know the truth reduces consequences.

For instance, if teens have been drinking at a party, the parent will want them to call to be picked up. But kids know there also has to be a consequence for the drinking. “There’s a hard balance to strike between having the open dialogue but also setting appropriate limits when necessary,” Dr. Rouse says.

In this situation, where lying would have been easier, when parents are doling out the consequence they can also praise the child for telling the truth and tell them it makes them more trustworthy. They might also reduce the consequence, such as letting kids know they’re taking their phone away for a day instead of a week.

Dr. Rouse adds one caveat: Children and teens should not think consequences are negotiable. “Sometimes the kid will say, ‘But I told you the truth,’” he says. “They’ll get manipulative, saying, ‘This is just making me want to never tell the truth again.’” Parents shouldn’t give in at that point.

Use truth checks

Let’s say parents have been told by a teacher their child didn’t do their homework. Dr. Brady suggests that they give their kid a chance to tell the truth. If they doesn’t at first, the parents could say, “I’m going to walk away and give you 10 minutes and then I’m going to come back and ask you again. If you change your mind and want to give me a different answer, it’s just a truth check and you won’t get in trouble.”

This way, if a child gives an off-the-cuff answer because they’re scared of consequences or they don’t want to disappoint a parent, they have the chance to really think about whether they want to lie or fess up without the consequences. Dr. Brady notes that this technique isn’t for a child who chronically lies.

Use the preamble method

Parents can also set up kids to tell the truth by reminding them that they don’t expect perfection, Dr. Brady notes. Parents could say, “I’m going to ask you a question and maybe you’re going to tell me something I don’t really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you no matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So I want you to think about giving me an honest answer.” Giving kids a chance to reflect on this may lead to them telling the truth.

Give kids with ADHD more time to think

Dr. Brady says kids with ADHD, who are prone to giving impulsive answers that come out as lies, need some extra time to think things through before speaking. Impulsivity can be a problem both at home and in school, when a teacher asks if a child has finished an assignment and the child answers yes without even looking at their paper. That’s when he needs to be taught to slow down and check their work.

What parents s houldn’t do

Don’t ever corner your child.

Putting a child on the spot can set him up to lie. If parents know the true story, Dr. Brady recommends, they should go right to the issue and discuss it. Instead of asking a child if they didn’t do their homework, a parent could just say, “I know you didn’t do it. Let’s talk about why that’s not a good idea.”

Don’t label your child a liar

It’s a big mistake to call a child a liar, Dr Brady argues. The wound it creates is bigger than dealing with what they lied about in the first place. It causes the child to think, “Mom won’t believe me.” It makes them feel bad about themselves and may set up a pattern of lying.

Frequently Asked Questions

Children lie for several reasons, such as testing out a new behavior or gaining approval. Children who lack confidence may tell lies to make themselves seem more impressive to their peers. Children with anxiety or depression might lie about how they’re feeling so their parents don’t worry about them. Children with ADHD may lie out of impulsivity, speaking before they think.

To deal with a lying child, you can give them a chance to tell the truth, praise them when they do, and remind them that perfection isn’t expected. Parents can give children with ADHD more time to think things through before speaking, as they tend to speak impulsively.

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Why do kids lie?

All kids lie sometimes, for different reasons and at different ages. Here's how to encourage your child to be honest.

Why kids lie: Ages 3 to 4

Age-appropriate consequences for lying: ages 3 to 4, why kids lie: ages 5 to 8, age-appropriate consequences for lying: ages 5 to 8.

It's impossible for your 2- or 3-year-old to grasp the concept of lying: At this age, children don't yet understand the difference between fantasy and reality. They don't realize that fibbing can help them, say, avoid doing things they don't want to do.

By the time they're about 5 to 6 years old, however, kids understand both that lying is wrong and that it may get them something they want in the moment – and your strategies for managing untruths will probably need to change.

Many lies stem from a lack of social or problem-solving skills, which young children have yet to learn. Remember that every child lies – it's just a matter of when you'll catch yours spinning a tall tale or denying a misdeed you caught them in the act of committing.

Try to resist the impulse to punish or get angry, which will only escalate the issue without solving it. Instead, see lying as an opportunity to work on the cause behind the lie.

Lying usually begins at around 3 years of age, though your child's first lie may come a bit earlier or later.

When children this age lie, they aren't trying to deceive you on purpose. Your child may simply grasp that you can't read their thoughts – and it's exciting to realize that they can say something that's not true and you won't realize it's a lie. At the same time, they don't realize that lying is wrong.

At 3 and 4 years old, lies may stem from:

• Wishful thinking – or an active imagination. Children have a rich fantasy life, and they may think that what they conjure up in their heads is actually true. In other words, your child may not understand the moral concept of lying, or the difference between truth and falsehood. For example, when your child firmly declares that they didn't break your vase, they're not really trying to get away with something. They're just wishing it didn't happen – so much so that they're convinced they had nothing to do with it.
• Exploration and curiosity. When kids discover that they can lie, they might simply be curious to find out what happens when they do. Your child might hide their scarf and tell you they have no idea where it is just as you're heading out the door, just to see how you react. In that situation, fibs are part of an exploration of ideas.
• A need to test limits. Kids are knee-deep in testing parental boundaries and their own power at this age. Your child might come to you and, without batting an eye, ask to watch TV, claiming they haven't watched anything today – meanwhile, you already know they used up their daily screen time hours ago. As frustrating as it is, this kind of truth-stretching is normal.
• A desire to avoid disapproval. Your youngster knows that a misdeed will disappoint you. Rather than face your displeasure, they may choose to lie about it.
• Fear of punishment. Similarly, if you saw your child spill their juice, but they deny it, your little one naturally wishes they hadn't made a mess and doesn't want to face consequences for the slip-up.
• A craving for attention. Your child has figured out that telling a tall tale is a surefire way to get a response out of you – even if it's a negative one. For example, saying they swam all the way across an Olympic-sized pool alone is a way of seeking approval for an impressive (though unlikely) accomplishment, rather than an act of conscious lying.

Punishments for lying at this age aren't useful. Instead, use your words to help your child understand the difference between right and wrong and develop problem-solving and communication skills.

Your goal is to set boundaries, encourage open communication, and provide a safe and supportive environment for your child to express feelings and needs.

Here are some strategies to try when you catch your child lying:

• Try to understand your child's point of view. If your little one sneaks a candy bar and then denies eating it (with chocolate smeared on their mouth), they're not a bad person; they're simply trying to get around the fact that they can't have everything they want.
• Offer an alternative. Model how you would have liked your child to respond. For example, if they deny responsibility for spilling their juice, offer a paper towel and say, "Let's clean up the juice." This way, you avoid getting into a battle about who spilled the juice, and you turn your child's attention toward the issue of getting the mess cleaned up.
• Talk about why lies are bad. Once you've addressed the unwanted behavior that led to the lie, explain why lying is hurtful. It's good to get into the habit of discussing these issues, but keep it brief to avoid making your child feel guilty or ashamed.
• Be consistent. Be sure you stick to the rules you've set out for your family, every time. This is especially important when a child's lies are linked to testing boundaries and limits.
• Avoid labels. Never call your child a liar – it will just make them feel bad about themselves and possibly lead to a self-fulfilling repetition of the behavior in the future.

Equally as important in dealing with lying is gently nurturing your child's instinct to be truthful and fostering an environment where honesty is prized. Some ways you can do that:

• Minimize the opportunities for lying. Instead of asking your child whether they forgot to clean up their toys, state what you already know to be true: "I see a lot of toys on the floor. Please help me pick them up and put them away."
• Be a good role model. It's a parent's job to be a role model of trust. Make honesty your best policy, and try to avoid telling half-truths yourself. For example, if your child's due for a vaccine, don't tell them the shot won't hurt. (They'll know in a second that it does.) Also keep your word – and when you can't, apologize for breaking a promise.
• Foster an environment of love and trust. Kids may worry that you'll love them less when they make mistakes. Explain that you'll love them no matter what, including when they do something wrong.

Between the ages of 5 and 6, kids lie more often – though they'll usually 'fess up quickly if you ask for more details. With age, lies become more complex, as children begin to understand how other people think and can use more words to express what they want. At this point, it's often harder to catch them in a lie.

Just like younger kids, older kids may lie to avoid getting in trouble, test your limits, or get your attention. They may also lie to:

• Get what they want. Kids may realize that they can avoid doing their homework or cleaning up their room – at least initially – if they say they don't have these responsibilities in the first place.
• Cope with social pressure. As kids get older and have more complex social interactions, they may lie to boost their confidence and seem more impressive to their peers.

Starting at around age 5 or 6, kids understand the difference between fantasy and reality – which means they know that it's wrong to lie. At this point, it's especially important to help foster an environment of trust, where your child feels loved and supported and doesn't feel inclined to lie to avoid harsh punishments.

If you do catch your child lying:

• Introduce the option of telling the truth. If your child occasionally tells a knee-jerk lie because they're scared of getting in trouble, you might consider offering them some time to think before responding. For example, if your child says they didn't accidentally spill paint on the floor, you might tell them, "I'm going to the kitchen for five minutes to start dinner. If you change your mind and decide you did spill the paint, you can tell me and I won't be upset." Remember, this tactic will only work if used infrequently. Don't let it become a default response that allows your child to avoid consequences.  
• Address the lie. Let your child know that you know they haven't told the truth, and that lying isn't okay because it makes it more difficult for people to believe them in the future.
• Put it in context. Try to get your child to think about the consequences of lying. For example, you might say, "How do you think Mommy would feel if I told her I made dinner for us tonight, and then she came home and we had nothing to eat?"
• Lay out the future consequences. Let your child know it's okay to make mistakes, but if lying continues to occur in the future there will be specific consequences. Then be sure to stick to your word.
• Follow through with appropriate consequences right away. For more serious or habitual lies, follow through immediately with separate age-appropriate consequences for lying and rule-breaking that align with the behavior. For example, if your child repeatedly forgets to clean up their toys and lies about it, you may ask them to put away their toys (the rule-breaking consequence) and then take the toys away for the rest of the day (the lying consequence).

For relatively harmless, fantastical-style lies, there are a couple of other tactics you can try:

• Know when to ignore it. If your child occasionally tells an innocuous lie to boost their self-confidence, sometimes it's best to ignore the untruth and divert the conversation to another topic.
• Offer a do-over. If your child regularly makes up stories or exaggerates the truth, you might call these yarns "fibs" and point them out upfront every time they come up. "That sounds like a fib. Let's start over from the beginning."

To prevent lying in the future, it's critical to foster an environment where your child feels safe telling you when they did break the rules or made a mistake. In addition to sticking to the same strategies that you used when your child was younger, try these tips:

• Don't beat around the bush. If you know your child made a mistake, sometimes it's best to avoid the opportunity to lie in the first place. Say, "I know you hit Sam. Let's talk about why it happened and how we can avoid it in the future."
• Let your child know it's okay to make mistakes. Before confronting a child about breaking a rule, establish the importance of telling the truth. You could say, "I'm going to ask you something. I may not like your response, but everyone makes mistakes. I will always love you. I want you to think about telling me the truth before responding."
• Reward truth-telling. In addition to praising your child when they do tell the truth, let them know that they will always face fewer consequences if they tell the truth about a misdeed than if they lie about it.
• Talk about your own mistakes. Tell your child about a time that you messed up and how you dealt with it – for example, when you didn't finish a work project in time but talked to your boss about the situation honestly. Because your boss trusted you, they helped you to come up with a plan to get your work done. If you lied or made excuses, your boss may not have been so understanding. This helps your child begin to understand that everyone makes mistakes, and that honesty is the best policy.
• Help your child to think strategically. Now that your child is beginning to understand the difference between wrong and right, explain that every choice has options – and that making decisions can be difficult. Talk through a specific example and how different decisions can result in different outcomes. For example, not doing their homework may mean they have more time to play tonight. But by not doing their homework, they'll miss out on an important learning opportunity.
• Build your child's self-esteem. If lying seems linked to self-esteem issues, try tactics to boost your child's confidence. Teaching your child new skills, such as how to play checkers, can be an opportunity to bond while offering your child a confidence boost. Pay attention to your child's strengths, such as in music or physical activity, and provide opportunities to work on those skills by signing your child up for a singing or gym class. And offer positive praise for their efforts, not the outcomes, such as "I'm proud of you. I can see you've been practicing your spelling – you haven't given up."
• Connect with your child. A great way to prevent behavior problems of all kinds is to connect by regularly spending quality, uninterrupted time with your child. Try to set aside 10 or 15 minutes every day that you label "Mommy/Daddy and Henry time" (you can even set a timer, to avoid debates about when it's over). Put away your phone and let your child decide what to do. Then really be present in that moment with your child, whether that's building a Lego tower together or just watching them play.
• Read a book together. Children's stories that deal with the issue of honesty can be a great way to bring home the concept of truth-telling. Some good ones for this age group are Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire , by Diane DeGroat; Arthur and the True Francine , by Marc Brown; and Sam, Bangs, and Moonshine , by Evaline Ness.
• Know when to ask for help. If you've tried all of these tactics and your child's lying is regular and automatic, it's a good idea to reach out to their pediatrician. A mental health professional can help a child establish the boundaries between right and wrong, as well as establish if lying is linked to other issues.

Was this article helpful?

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Where to go next

Helping Your Child, Teen, or Adult Child Stop Lying to You

Making honesty a shared goal for the common good..

Posted July 17, 2022 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

• A Parent's Role
• Take our Authoritative Parenting Test
• Find a family therapist near me
• It is easy for parents to overlook how lying behaviors in their children are driven by their underlying struggles and emotional pain.
• Taking your child's lying personally at any age gets in your way of creating emotional safety for your child to level with you.
• The more you see yourself as your child's supportive emotion coach vs. hurt parent, the more you guide them to be more open and honest with you.

According to "A Guide for Families by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry ," children, preteens, and teens can lie for varying reasons. They try to avoid getting in trouble, defend a friend they like, or lie because they are too upset to talk about painful experiences. Their upsetting situations could include losing a job, failing a class, and other struggles with things about themselves or fitting in with their peers. I have seen this same dynamic play out with adult children as well. The "truth" is that often our kids at any age will spin the truth or downright lie.

When I coach parents, I help them learn to not take lies from their kids personally. This is not to say that lying is acceptable, but the less parents take it personally, the more they can calmly and constructively help their child be more open and vulnerable to address their dishonesty. As I write in my book, The Anxiety , Depression , and Anger Toolbox for Teens , children and teens who are prone to anxiety will use lying as an unhealthy coping strategy. The more you help manage your child's anxiety, the more you will pave the way for them being more open with you.

Below are some examples of teen lying.

The Truth About Not-So-Angelic Adriana

"I'm at my breaking point, all she does is lie to me!" exclaimed Julia about Arianna, her not-so-angelic 17-year-old daughter. "She lies about what friends she sees at the movies, lies about completing her homework, and by the way, I am sick of policing her about it. And, you know what, I can't even trust if she really washes off her dishes. If she's like this now, how's she going to make it as an independent adult? And, even when she tells me stories, I am finding that she is embellishing big-time! I just don't get it. I was not like this as a kid and it would be so much easier if she was straight-up about things."

A Terrifying Tale of Potentially Explosive Lies

One child in my counseling practice concocted a story about burying a gun in the woods that was supposedly obtained from a "gang" he belonged to. Turns out the story was a hoax but his underlying feelings of inadequacy were a serious matter. In this example, the child lied to make himself seem more powerful to others, calm himself from feeling invisible and lonely , and because he lacked social and problem-solving skills.

The Size of the Lie Matters

It's important to be cognizant of the difference between lies that cover up for risky behaviors including drug use as opposed to smaller, everyday lies. Lying that results in, or covers for, unsafe or illegal behavior must be addressed directly. Instead of getting hung up if your teen is showing remorse, and yes, I realize that this is important, remember that being responsive is paramount. When the lying is about dangerous behaviors, involving drug or alcohol use, stealing, or other risky activities, seek guidance from a qualified mental health professional in your local community.

Parents Get Stressed Out From Lying Children, Teens, and Young Adults

As you can see from the above examples, and as you probably know if you are reading this post, lying-related behaviors from our children can drive us nuts, if we allow them to. The best you can do as a parent is to keep yourself from overreacting to your child's lies. If you overreact, then you are just building a bigger barrier between you and your child feeling safe to open up to you.

What to Do as a Parent Or Caregiver

Try to keep in mind that kids can be quite self-absorbed (can't we also be as adults, too?) and they often don't understand how hurtful lies can be. With this in mind, here are some strategies to help promote truthfulness in your child at any age:

• Calmly discuss versus lecture about honesty and dishonesty, and why they chose to lie.
• Do not use a judgmental tone, as it just usually fuels the "see, I can't tell my parents anything" reflex from preteens and teens. You may not be able to stop your teen from creating those everyday lies, but you can convey that there are other options available.
• Think of yourself as an " emotion coach" versus an over-the-top disciplinarian out to show who is boss.
• Talk about how telling the truth can feel scary and how we can all feel scared and that it's OK. Share how calming down and solving problems are the keys for a successful life.
• Relate how lies can give the tempting illusion of calm and avoiding problems (e.g., homework not completed) but in the long run lies just create stress and emotional chaos.
• If you feel that your child is making lies a "go-to" way to cope, then acknowledge this observation. Talk about the problems they face as a consequence of lying but don't use shaming tones as you speak. Join with your child about their fears. For example, do they believe that saying something dishonest helps them fit in?
• Remember, above all, to help your child see their value. For example, if your child is exaggerating a story, you might ask, "What you were telling me really held my interest, but then it seemed like you started to add things to it that weren't true. That got in the way of seeing how you really are becoming so mature. Can you tell me why you decided to do that?"

Final Thoughts

Keep in mind that addressing lying behaviors is a process versus a quick fix. Some kids may take a while before they feel safe to level with you. But if you keep your own emotional reactivity and judgmental responses at bay, your child or teen is more likely to eventually open up. While in the short term you may just get a shrug, keeping yourself calm to create a sense of emotional safety will help your voice of truth and reason be heard throughout their lives. That is a gift to your kids that will always keep on giving.

A Guide for Families by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent, Psychiatry, https://www.aacap.org/App_Themes/AACAP/docs/resource_centers/odd/odd_re…

Bernstein, J. (2020), The Anxiety, Depression & Anger Toolbox for Teens: 150 Powerful Mindfulness, CBT & Positive Psychology Activities to Manage Emotions, PESI Publishing, EuClaire, WA.

Bernstein, J. (2003). Why Can't You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship Paperback, Perseus Books, New York, NY

Bernstein, J. (2015). 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, second edition: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior Paperback, Hachette Publications, New York, NY.

Ehrenreich, S., Meter, D., Beron, KJ, Burnell, K, and Underwood, MK, (2021) How Adolescents Use Text Messaging Through their High School Years https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8669751/

Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. , is a psychologist and the author of seven books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

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A Parent's Guide to Lying and Age-Appropriate Consequences

Yes, kids lie—and so do adults. The good news: If parents take a strong lead on a no-lying policy, most children will learn to walk the straight and narrow.

Why Do Kids Lie?

• Toddlers and Preschoolers
• School-Age Kids

Age-Appropriate Consequences for Lying

Getty Images / A. Chederros

As the primary role models in children's lives, parents and caregivers play a vital part in showcasing honesty. They also have the most influence on instilling a deep-rooted commitment to telling the truth. As children mature and acquire a more sophisticated understanding of social etiquette, parents must help children differentiate between little white lies told to spare people's feelings and downright dishonesty .

For maximum influence at each developmental stage, address the subject of lying in an age-appropriate way. Keep reading to learn how to respond when kids are caught telling a lie, including age-appropriate consequences for lying.

According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, children and adults lie for similar reasons: to get out of trouble, for personal gain, to impress or protect someone, or to be polite. At a young age, kids will experiment with the truth and continue doing so through all the developmental stages, with varying degrees of sophistication and elaboration.

Kids might also be more likely to lie if their parents lie to them during childhood. Research shows that when parents lie to their kids, those kids have a significantly higher risk of growing up with maladapted behaviors such as externalizing blame and telling lies to avoid consequences.

"Teaching children about the importance of honesty early and teaching them how to resolve situations so they don't need to rely on lying will ensure they will be honest—most of the time," says Victoria Talwar, PhD , associate professor in the Department of Educational and Counseling Psychology at McGill University in Montreal.

Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 2 to 4)

Because toddlers' language skills are just emerging, they don't have a clear idea yet of where truth begins and ends. At this age, toddlers also have a fairly shaky grasp on the difference between reality, daydreams, wishes, fantasies, and fears, says Elizabeth Berger, a child psychiatrist and author of Raising Kids with Character. "Strong emotions can make a 2- or 3-year-old insist, 'He ate my cookie!' when a baby brother clearly did not do anything of the kind," says Berger.

Remember that toddlers are trying to exhibit their independence , and they can make a power struggle out of any disagreement. So try a mild, diplomatic response that interjects doubt, such as, "Really? Then those must not be crumbs I see on your chin." Saying this helps avoid a battle of the wills.

Toddlers are too young to be punished for lying, but parents can subtly begin to encourage truthfulness. Consider reading a lighthearted book such as Nicola Killen's Not Me to illustrate the issue of truthfulness.

Around age 4, as children become more verbal, they can tell obvious whoppers and respond "No" when you ask simple questions like, "Did you pinch your sister?" Use every opportunity to explain what a lie is and why it's bad. Introduce the subject (ideally, soon after your child tells the lie so the memory will still be fresh). Start with, "Let's talk about lying and why it's not OK"

"It may not be a long conversation, but give them the message that honesty is important," says Dr. Talwar. In response to a lie, be firm and serious, and say, "That sounds like you're not telling the truth," or "Are you absolutely sure that's what happened?" Make it clear that you are not taken in by the lies, but move on gracefully after listening to and gently correcting your child. Avoid confronting the child further or digging for the truth unless the situation is serious and demands more attention.

School-Age Kids (Ages 5 to 8)

Children between the ages of 5 and 8 will tell more lies to test what they can get away with, especially lies related to school such as classes, homework, teachers, and friends. Maintaining the lies may still be difficult, even though they're becoming better at concealing them. "The regulations and responsibilities of this age are often too much for children," says Berger. "As a result, children will often lie to appease the forces that seem to demand more performance than they can muster."

But, thankfully, most lies ("We didn't get any reading homework today") are relatively easy to detect. Talk openly to your children and continue reading stories together, such as Be Honest and Tell the Truth by Cheri J. Meiners. Also, notice when a child is being honest and provide praise and positive feedback .

Most importantly, because school-age children are keen observers, parents should continue to be good role models. Be careful about what reflexive lies you may be used to saying—even something as small as "Tell them I'm not at home" when you are—can send a very mixed message to a school-age child. "No matter how much you talk about the importance of honesty, you undermine the message if children see you being dishonest," says Dr. Talwar.

But not all lies are all bad. Groundbreaking and widely cited research from the 1970s has shown that, in some instances, telling the truth is viewed less favorably than telling a lie, and that knowing when to tell a white lie is a signal of social intelligence.

As a parent or caregiver, you may find it especially challenging to explain tricky social situations where a white lie might be more appropriate than the honest truth. Consider when your child must offer thanks for a gift that they don't like. Help them focus on the positive aspects of the gift. Explain to your child, "I know you don't love your new sweater, and it makes your neck itchy, but think about all the hours Grandma put into knitting it. That's the really special part about this gift, and that's something you can honestly thank her for."

Tweens (Ages 9 to 12)

Most tweens are well on their way to establishing a hardworking, trustworthy, and conscientious identity. But they're also becoming more adept at maintaining lies and more sensitive to the repercussions of their actions—and they may have strong feelings of guilt after lying.

Forthright and longer conversations about honesty are definitely necessary, as there will be rare "little white lie" moments when some dishonesty is acceptable in order to be polite or to spare another person's feelings. When situations like this arise, be straightforward with your child to avoid sending mixed messages.

Start a conversation with, "You know how always telling your parents the truth is very important, right? Well, there are also times when it's important to be polite and not hurt another person's feelings. If we're visiting friends and they serve a lunch you don't like, it's not polite to make a big scene and refuse to eat. You should eat the food and say 'Thank you.' You're being a thoughtful guest who will get invited over to play again next time!"

Good role models are still crucial for your kids, so consider enlisting close family members or caring neighbors to guide your children through challenging social interactions. It's going to get harder before it gets easier, but there is a silver lining. "Children who have an established relationship with their parents, where they feel comfortable talking and disclosing information, are more likely to tell the truth," says Dr. Talwar. "But also realize that your children are not always going to tell you the truth. Taking a moment to think about why they are lying should help you respond to their lies appropriately."

You may be wondering if you should punish your child for lying, and the answer is no, not exactly. While there should be age-appropriate consequences for lying, it might be best to consider them as opportunities to teach your child about the importance of honesty as opposed to relying on punishment, which can cause feelings of humiliation.

The problem with punishment is that it doesn't teach a child a lesson in how to correct and avoid a specific behavior. Instead, punishment uses power to teach a child fear. Studies have shown that punishing children through force and shame can have profound negative psychological consequences.

Try using natural or logical consequences to help your child learn a lesson about lying. In other words, if your child lies and gets caught, use that moment to dole out a consequence that fits the crime. For example, if your child lies and says they cleaned their room when they really just shoved everything under their bed, a logical consequence would be to pull everything out and ask them to start over and put their things away where they go.

Afterward, reinforce the lesson by talking with your child about why lying isn't so great. By showing your child compassion, patience, and a willingness to listen and communicate with them, they are far less likely to take up a habit of lying.

Key Takeaways

When we think of lying, we usually think of someone being dishonest for nefarious reasons, but the truth is that kids (and adults) lie for many reasons, like avoiding confrontation. Teaching your child the importance of telling the truth and how to navigate situations when being honest might feel uncomfortable is an excellent way to help your kid build character—and self-respect.

Children and Lying . American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry . 2017.

Parenting by Lying in Childhood Is Associated With Negative Developmental Outcomes in Adulthood . Journal of Experimental Child Psychology . 2020.

Growing Independence: Tips for Parents of Young Children . American Academy of Pediatrics . 2021.

Telling It Like It Isn't: A Review of Theory and Research on Deceptive Communications . Human Communication Research . 1979.

Liar, Liar…Sometimes: Understanding Social-Environmental Influences on the Development of Lying . Current Opinion in Psychology. 2022.

Shaming School Children: A Violation of Fundamental Rights? . Sage Journals . 2019.

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I Just Discovered My Child Is Telling Me Lies About School

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. In addition to our traditional advice, every Thursday we feature an assortment of teachers from across the country answering your education questions. Have a question for our teachers? Email [email protected] or post it in the  Slate Parenting Facebook group .

I’ve got a question I’m hoping you can help me with. I’ve got a very clever 11-year-old who I recently learned is not doing his homework. Until now I’d considered the point of sixth grade homework to be learning how to do homework to prepare for high school. I figured he probably doesn’t need to do the homework to master the skills, but at some point in the near future I realize he will, so homework seems to be about getting the study habits solid. As such, I’ve basically left it up to him.

I’ve always asked him if he was doing it, if he needed help, etc., and taken him at his word when he said it was sorted. Now that I know he isn’t doing it (and lying about it being done), what should I do? Stand over him making sure the busy work is done? My goal is to have a kid who takes responsibility and is capable of studying when it does become hard. And I want to set up a smart kid who won’t always be smart enough to not to study for success. How should I go about that?

—Also Didn’t Do My Homework

Dear ADDMH,

You say you also didn’t do your homework. How did that go for you? You say, in the future, he’ll need to do the homework to master the skills. How did you learn that lesson?

My guess is it was via the best teacher known to humankind: the natural consequences of your actions. You likely failed at something and realized that your previous m.o. would no longer suffice.

I’m not saying you can’t make him do his homework. You could certainly try praise, cajoling, rewards, punishments, whatever. That will require a lot of effort on your part and likely generate significant stress for both you and your son.

Or you can let him coast along until he hits a roadblock. Then he’ll have to figure out on his own how to get around it.

If this second route is your choice, let him know. Tell him that even if he’s mastering the material with minimal effort right now, there will come a time when that will no longer be the case; that, if he chooses not to develop study habits now, it will cause problems for him later; and that you’re going to let him learn this lesson the hard way. You decline the position of homework police.

Either way, I’d suggest you talk with him about honesty. Why didn’t he want to tell you? What did his little voice tell him when he lied about doing his homework? How did fibbing make him feel in his body? Did it affect how he thought about himself? Let him know he can always tell you the truth. Give him the language: “I’m afraid to tell you this because I think you’ll be mad, but _______________.” And then don’t show anger when he shares things with you.

Frankly, he’s going to learn life lessons with or without you. All you have to think about is the role you want to play is his life, and let the chips fall where they may.

—Ms. Scott (high school teacher, North Carolina)

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Is first grade a normal age for girls to start having confidence issues? I was just reading over my daughter’s end-of-year “report card” from last year, and her teacher just gushed about her being helpful, an outgoing leader in class, and that she had so many friends. This year, she’s much more quiet and not as confident with her friends—there seems to be a lot of changing of “friend groups” at recess that she’s not navigating well. Instead of bringing home artwork proudly, she doesn’t think it’s very good, and so on.

She’s advanced academically, but seems to be struggling socially for the first time (she never had this problem in pre-k or Kinder and makes friends easily in the neighborhood, plays seamlessly with her non-school friends). One thing I’ve noticed is that she has traditionally had a boy “best friend” in class, but now the groups seem to have split on gender lines. Do things get more socially complex this quickly at this age, or might it just be specific the class? It breaks my heart to see her feeling sad when she used to love school.

—Needing a Boost

Dear Needing a Boost,

I’m sorry to hear your daughter is going through some challenging social changes. Each situation and each child is different, but transitions like the one you describe are very common at this age. I’ve witnessed this happen countless times, as kids lose and then regain their footing with new friends. And you’re right that around this age, as kids of different gender identities grow and mature, they often develop different interests, and friendships can change. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen at the same time for all kids, and your daughter is likely experiencing some confusion as to why her best friend now seems to prefer playing with boys. It’s not surprising that her confidence has taken a bit of hit as she works to make sense of the changing dynamics between them.

It’s a good sign that this shift in her friendship doesn’t appear to be impacting her studies or relationships with kids outside of school. The best you can do for her in this moment is to provide love and support. It sounds like your daughter has a very solid foundation; I doubt she has lost all her confidence and may just need reminders of what an incredible person she is. You can do this through a technique called extreme affirmation. Extreme affirmation is an intervention mental health professionals and educators use to boost and reinforce confidence in folks who are experiencing a deficit in that area. For example, when she brings her art home, you may want to try having a slightly over the top reaction. Kids really eat this kind of attention up. It’s worked wonders for me as an educator and may be one way to help her regain her confidence as she finds her way again with friends at school.

—Mr. Hersey (elementary school teacher, Washington)

How much oversight should I have of my high schooler’s schoolwork? We tend to be very hands-off, and we expect our kids to handle their own stuff (although we are available to support if needed), but some parents I know seem really involved in their kids’ day-to-day experiences. What’s the right balance here?

—Keeping Tabs?

Dear Keeping Tabs,

Ideally high school students manage their schoolwork independently as much as possible. This is developmentally appropriate for adolescents, who desire increasing independence and autonomy. Taking responsibility for schoolwork also prepares them for adulthood. Of course, what’s possible for one student is not necessarily possible for another—some of your friends’ teens may need additional support in order to be successful. However, if your kids are thriving with the system you have in place now, then you need not worry about being more involved. In fact, I think you should be proud of them!

—Ms. Holbrook (high school teacher, Texas)

More Advice From Slate

I love my 7-year-old son’s name, “Andrew,” but I hate the nickname “Andy.” When we named him “Andrew” we agreed to only use the long version and never the nickname. Until this year everyone has called him “Andrew.” We moved over the summer, and somehow he has become “Andy” in his new school! I’m not sure how it happened, but after participating in a recent classroom event, it’s clear everyone is calling him Andy (kids, teachers, other parents). It has even spilled over into Little League. Is there anything I can do?

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Dear ADDitude: How Can I Help My Child Stop Avoiding Tough Assignments?

“my son avoids assignments when he doesn’t understand the requirements or thinks they are too difficult. he has started lying about upcoming work and tests, avoiding what is overwhelming to him. what can we do”.

ADDitude Answers

Take a step back and figure out why your son is overwhelmed. Maybe there are problems with executive function (organization, time management) or he could be having trouble paying attention at school and is missing important information. Talk to his teachers to see if you can get a handle on why he is struggling.

There are several kinds of accommodations that might help: having an extra set of books at home, having teachers provide you with the upcoming schedule of tests, having teachers supply you with notes from classes or study sheets before tests, a schedule of upcoming homework assignments. Some school districts have such information online, so it is accessible to all students and parents. Your child’s problems are mostly about inattention, so talk with your doctor. If your son is on medication, perhaps he can adjust the dose.

Posted by Eileen Bailey Freelance writer, author specializing in ADHD, anxiety, and autism

A Reader Answers

You sound exactly like me and my 13-year-old, except that mine is not in honors classes. I chose to have him in team-taught classes instead. That means there is a special-ed teacher and a general-ed teacher in each class. The special-ed teacher is the one assigned to him and the one I communicate with. Does your son’s school have that option? Everything is still a struggle, but the work load is not quite so intense. We also have access to an online system that makes it easier for me to access information about assignments. If I can’t find what is needed, I email the special-ed teacher. Can you ask for an IEP meeting to make revisions? Clearly the bad grades are evidence that his disability is impacting his mastery of the curriculum. Good luck!

Posted by kelro

This is EXACTLY what is going on the last few weeks with my seventh grade daughter (EF problems with ADHD and writing disability). And we are a married couple but both work full-time jobs, so starting homework at 5:30 pm (we hope), and meds are worn off by then. Ugh. This is what we are doing to try and survive.

1. We got copies of all her textbooks to keep at home.

[ Free Download: Transform Your Teen’s Apathy Into Engagement ]

2. I got access to the teacher’s calendar for when quizzes and tests are coming up so we aren’t surprised.

3. If I have the last minute notice for tests or quizzes I’m calling the Vice Principal who does disabilities to ask for an extension for a couple days to take the test later. Social studies teacher is an old guy and can’t seem to plan ahead more than a day which is a crying shame.

4. We had a teacher meeting with the vice principal and the disability specialist at the school. They also recommended that teachers give her a copy of their notes, which also gives me something else to review with her before tests. Which reminds me I have to dog them to get notes because none have come home this week.

5. I’ve cried on my BFF’s shoulder twice in the last few weeks over this feeling like I’m a failure as a mom. Especially in our city there are special high school academies that have much better education, and if her grades tank in seventh grade she won’t have a shot at that for high school. I feel the injustice of the whole system for kids who need TIME.

6. I would give my right arm for a school that was self-paced for teaching my kid so she just learned things until she mastered them and then moved on. Seriously considering switching up my job and husband’s job to work from home partial hours and homeschool next year. We already spend 3 hours a day on homework and my kid has no LIFE — how much more could it possibly be? Even if it’s 5-6 hours a day I think we still would be way ahead.

7. Some serious support for my daughter because she says she doesn’t care and the Fs don’t bother her. But they do. So trying to give lots of positive praise for her hard work and give her adult perspective that middle school grades do not define your worth or value to God, family or society. We have some nice role models in our family and church and that really helps.

Posted by vowedmom

We are in the same boat — seventh grade and barely keeping his head above water. My son has to take a 5 mg Ritalin pill after school with a meal so he can concentrate on his homework — wears off after 2 hours but it helps.

These are the tough years — I am ADHD and I didn’t hit my mental and organizational stride until high school, once I had matured a bit. Middle school was tough but those few teachers that care and understand will make the difference to your son now.

[ Why Teens Stop Trying — and Achieving — at School ]

My son has a 504 Plan and he is only allowed to work on homework for so many minutes/hours per night — so homework is limited. And he gets extended time on tests in another room so he isn’t rushing. We work on these accommodations constantly with his counselor. Unfortunately we have to stay on the teachers’ radars and know the expectations. And of course I am a huge advocate of exercise before homework — even a quick run. It clears their brains.

The regular school set-up just isn’t ideal for our kids — they will struggle. Good luck — you are not alone!

Posted by LC2boys

We had the same problem with our son last year as he entered into middle school. One thing you need to remember is this is MIDDLE school. They are teaching them to do things and be responsible on their own, even if that means not passing. I am a control freak momma and it was hard for me to hear those words…I want to do it on my own! But you need to give him a little space and let him try himself. As a parent, if you are not getting the support you need, make a fuss with the school and keep pushing. We finally went to the superintendent of the district before they actually tested him and switched him from a 504 to an IEP. At the very least, make an appointment with the school counselor and let them know of your concerns and request an in-school tutor!

Posted by xzillajjxj

1. Take notes by hand if possible. That is an active process and to get information into working memory you need to involve multiple pathways of information processing in the brain. The more pathways you activate, the more integrated the information (with information already learned) and the likely the information will be stored in long-term memory.

So in other words make learning active — move, talk, write, etc.

2. Sit up front so that you are less likely to “tune out” during class.

3. Get a day to day planner and care it with you everywhere. Schedule when you are going to study with class and then keep to it.

4. Study one minute per year of age. My son is nine, so really his effective studying rate is only about 10 minutes. So he studies for 10 minutes then relaxes for 10-20 minutes, then back to studying.

Finally, let go of previous results on exams. The past is the past and you can’t change it. Set a goal for passing and anything else is gravy. As someone who sits on the interview committee for medical school admissions, we are more impressed when we see a student who struggled academically initially and then figured out what they needed to do to be successful. Makes us think that if they struggle in medical school, they will figure it out.

Posted by faye

[ The High School Study Guide for Teens with ADHD ]

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How to Deal With Your Child Lying

Kids lie for many reasons. They may want to avoid a consequence or say what comes to mind even if it’s not true. Children may start lying suddenly. This can be shocking for parents who have dealt with an honest child until now. Knowing why your child is lying and how to talk to them can help stop this behavior. 

Understanding why children start lying can help you treat the underlying reason. Children typically lie for four reasons. 

• They may not know better. 
• They may know it’s wrong to lie but have a stronger desire to accomplish something else. 
• They may say what pops in their head without filtering. 
• They may try to mislead an adult because they have negative feelings towards them. 

Determine how serious your child's lies are. Depending on your child’s age, there may be different intentions behind their lying. A young child may tell tall tales which isn’t always a problem. An older child may lie about their behavior. This secret keeping could lead to serious behavioral problems as an adult. 

Correct lying behavior. You should not punish or corner your child when they’re caught in a lie. This can lead to more serious lies or resentment. Instead, remain calm and explain to them why lying is wrong. You can also provide them with facts. Then encourage them to tell you the story again but truthfully. 

How to handle your child lying. Don’t scold or yell at them when you catch them in a lie. You’ll want to keep communication honest and comfortable between you and your child. The following steps will help you handle your child’s lies:

• View lies as skill-building. As your child gets older, they’ll test what they can get away with. This is how they learn consequences. 
• Respond to lies with facts. Especially when dealing with children under the age of three, let them know that there are facts. Lay out evidence that contradicts their lies. 
• Help them find a way to deal with certain behaviors . If you catch your child in a lie, let them know that they can tell you the truth. 
• If they see you lie, they’ll lie. Your child will watch how you respond to things, and if you’re lying, they will think they can too. 
• Let older children know there are times when small lies can be okay. Then teach them the moral consequences of bigger lies. Let them see how you’ve been caught in lies and let it be a learning experience for them. 

You should be concerned when your child lies frequently. If your child’s lying is paired with other concerning behavior , they may have psychological problems . A child that lies and doesn’t have friends can also be a concern. They may feel isolated and lonely. If your child lies and shows no signs of remorse or guilt, they might have underlying issues as well.

Advantages and Disadvantages of Your Child Lying

By age three, your child may already understand what lying is. Children often start lying to cover up actions they know are wrong. But lying can also signify cognitive and social understanding. Advantages of your child lying include: 

• Cognitive ability. It takes cognitive skills to regulate their actions, plan their lies, and strategize when they lie. Lying is a problematic behavior, but it could be your child’s way of developing their thoughts and actions. 
• Controlling their thoughts. Your child will need to go against what they’re trained to think to maintain a lie. This shows that some children can hold conflicting thoughts in their minds and control which action they talk about. 
• That doesn’t mean they have a lack of morals. Just because lying is bad, doesn’t mean your child is. Some studies have shown that there is little to no relationship between children’s lying behavior and moral understanding. 

Disadvantages include:

• Lying because they’re stressed. Your child may lie because they feel a lot of pressure to act a certain way. They may be feeling pressure from their parents. This could lead to low self-esteem and frequent lying to avoid the truth. 
• Unable to explain their actions. Your child may not understand that what they are doing is wrong. If they don’t know their behavior is bad, they continue to lie about their actions. They may not have the cognitive ability to understand why they’re lying. 
• Used to get attention. If your child feels neglected, they may come up with lies to get your attention. This may be a coping mechanism for not getting the praise that they want. This is a behavioral problem that can be addressed. 

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Why Kids Lie about Homework (and How to Handle It)

Editorial Staff · July 7, 2018 ·

When you were young did you lie about homework? I certainly did. I’m not always sure why I lied to my parents about homework, but thinking back after all of these years it occurs to me that one reason for doing so was that it seemed like a huge amount of work. There were so many other things that I wanted to do and see but all I was told to do was homework. I went to school for hours and hours a day only to come home to do hours and hours of more work. This got worse and worse as I got older and found myself doing three to four hours of homework everyday in highschool. Do your children lie about doing their homework? Do they tell you that they don’t have any work, or do they tell you that it is already done or almost done? There are few children who have not lied at least a little about doing their homework. The question for you as a concerned parent is what to do about this situation. Should you punish them severely? Should you yell and scream at your children, regardless of their age or level of maturity? Perhaps you should do nothing at all and let them suffer the consequences of getting bad grades. These are all different ways to handle the situation, but none of these options is particularly good. Let’s face it, you need some sort of strategy or plan to deal with this situation, and you need to implement it now. The less homework your child does the worse their grades are, and in the long run that turns into missed opportunities that they will very much regret. While it is good to not be too severe, and especially with a young child, you need to help your child see what homework is all about and why lying about it is wrong.

Keep track of her homework.

Your children are probably lying about their homework both because they simply don’t want to do it and because they have other things that they would like to do. Confront your child both about the lying and not doing homework. Don’t be angry or confrontational. Show them that you understand why a person might not want to do homework. If they say it is because it is hard then you might be able to get them some tutoring help to make it easier. If it is because there are other things they want to do, then use those other things as an incentive for getting the work done. Suggest that you will help them get what they want, whether it is play time or some sort of special toy if they can get their homework done. Explain to them that they can’t pull the wool over your eyes, and that you know when they are lying. This should convince them that lying is not an effective way to get what they want. By replacing a negative strategy with a positive one you should see quick results.

The other thing you need to do is help your children see why homework is a good thing and why lying is a very bad thing. Help them to understand that lying harms people. Many children don’t realize the long term consequences of the things that they do. If they could see how their actions actually affect someone they would be sorry for them. Help them to understand that it hurts you when they lie and they will be far less likely to do so.

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How to Know when Your Child Is Lying

Last Updated: April 5, 2024 References

This article was co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC . Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011. There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been viewed 41,484 times.

Children may lie for a number of reasons—to win an argument with a sibling, to get out of doing their homework, or to deal with a difficult situation. But we've looked into it, and the most reliable ways to spot lying are to watch your child's body language and observe changes in language and emotional expression . While catching your child in a lie may be unsettling, responding to your child's lies with an emotionally mature attitude can actually provide your child with opportunities for growth. [1] X Research source

Observing Body Language

• If they blink a lot while trying to maintain eye contact, it could be a sign of lying.

• Surprise may be expressed with raised and curved brows, horizontal wrinkles on the forehead, eyelids open and the jaw dropped open.
• Fear may be expressed with the brows raised and drawn together, wrinkles in the center of the forehead, whiteness in the upper eye showing, and the mouth open with tensed lips.
• Sadness can be seen when the child is looking downwards, the upper eyelids are dropped, the cheeks are raised upwards, and the corners of the lip are turned down. [3] X Research source

• Constantly moving their hands.
• Shifting in their seat.
• Shuffling their feet back and forth.

• Scratching their body while talking
• Moving their fingers without their arms and for no apparent reason
• Strange movements, shakes or nods of the head
• Shuffling or shifting of the feet and legs
• Shifting position in their seat

• Kids may feel awkward if they think you're questioning or doubting them.
• Fidgeting with clothing is sometimes a sign that the clothes are uncomfortable.
• Kids with certain disabilities (like autism and ADHD) may fidget more and avoid eye contact as part of their natural body language. [6] X Research source Keep their baseline behavior in mind.

Listening to Language and Emotion

• You can find a version of the children's story, 'the boy who cried wolf', here: https://www.storyarts.org/library/aesops/stories/boy.html
• For example, you should avoid using an accusatory tone when asking questions like, "tell me, are you lying right now?"

• If your child repeatedly says “no” in response to any question about an event or situation, they may be lying.
• If your younger child has been fighting with an older sibling, they may be lying in order to assert themselves in the relationship.

• If your two-year-old is lying in a disagreement with a sibling, you could try expressing doubt in response to their lie so they know that you see their lie. For instance, if they claim that they did not eat a brownie, you could say, “That's curious, why do I see chocolate all over your face.”
• If your four-year-old is lying, you should use it as an opportunity to explain why lying is not okay in your household.
• If your child is between five and eight, they may lie to avoid homework or otherwise reduce the pressures of increasing responsibility at school or at home. You should try to praise good behavior and talk openly about the importance of telling the truth.
• If your child is between nine and twelve, you may notice they will experience more guilt when they lie. You should have longer and more open conversations about lying and truthfulness.

Expert Q&A

You might also like.

• ↑ http://www.oxfordhandbooks.com/view/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780195187243.001.0001/oxfordhb-9780195187243-e-022
• ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vanessa-van-edwards/how-to-tell-when-your-chi_b_3060890.html
• ↑ http://www.psychmechanics.com/2015/07/facial-expressions-sadness.html
• ↑ http://www.metrokids.com/MetroKids/July-2011/Kids-Often-Signal-When-Theyre-Lying/
• ↑ http://www.apa.org/monitor/julaug04/detecting.aspx
• ↑ https://misslunarose.home.blog/2020/04/07/eye-direction/
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201507/7-key-signs-lying-child-or-teenager
• ↑ http://www.scholastic.com/parents/resources/article/stages-milestones/truth-about-lying
• ↑ http://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/discipline/tips/child-lying-stealing-how-to-stop-it/
• ↑ http://www.parents.com/kids/development/behavioral/age-by-age-guide-to-lying/

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What to do when your child lies about schoolwork

Many children desire to be honest, yet some slip into a pattern of trying to dodge their schoolwork and covering up about it. After all, who wouldn’t want more playtime?

Why would children lie about schoolwork?

What are some other possible causes, how to break the cycle of lying.

Nonetheless, schoolwork plays an important role in a student’s learning process. In class, it’s part of the guided practice with the teacher, and when assigned as homework, it allows your child to gain some reinforcement of skills and independent practice. Another important aspect of schoolwork is that it helps your child to build up a work ethic and self-discipline.

However, what do you do when your child or teen lies about schoolwork? Here are a few factors and some tips to think about as you navigate through this important issue.

According to Matthew Rouse, Ph.D., of the Child Mind Institute , the first step toward resolving this issue is to look at why it’s occurring in the first place. At times, children who experience difficulty with grasping a new concept or skill might make up excuses to get out of doing schoolwork, but there are other factors that might affect your student’s academic performance such as:

• Lack of motivation (common in some tween or teen phases)
• Too many social (or electronic) distractions
• Dislike for a particular class
• Feeling self-conscious about asking questions

Either way, figuring out the cause behind the behavior helps parents to support their student’s academic success. Usually, the first and best step is to conference with the teacher to share insight into the matter and to work in a partnership to help your child to overcome this obstacle.

However, if the previously mentioned possibilities don’t apply, you and your child might be dealing with other matters that hinder progress in the classroom such as:

• The possibility that your child has been bullied at school or online
• Changes at school such as a staff or administration turnover, since the readjustment period for both students and faculty can strike an emotional nerve
• Issues related to family where you might need to “check in” with your child to see how he or she is doing if there have been difficulties at home
• Issues related directly to learning and processing information

When you dig a little deeper to rule out any other possible causes that contribute to the change in academic performance, you will rule out some if not all these causes. Also, depending on your situation, you can look to teachers, school counselors, and even your family doctor for help. Possibly, your child is having trouble hearing or seeing in the classroom, which might warrant a change of seating or an eye exam and glasses. Or you might need to enlist the help of a tutor to help with learning strategies and mastery of the skill that your child is having trouble with at the moment.

If by some chance, you’ve determined that the problem is simply your child’s way of testing boundaries or expressing boredom with schoolwork, then a different course of action becomes necessary. Here are some tips to consider:

• Recommend to the teacher a change of seating if your child is visiting with classmates instead of focusing on schoolwork
• Change the study location at home to decrease distractions such as TV, siblings who have no homework, or a game system. For instance, your child can sit at the kitchen table while studying as you’re preparing dinner, which makes monitoring and offering assistance much easier.
• Institute some age-appropriate consequences for lying such as loss of playtime or playdates, or other privileges.
• Create a schoolwork log where the teacher initials each assignment after it’s been completed

So when you’re dealing with a lying child , try to remain calm, but at the same time let your child know the very second that you’re aware of the dishonesty. When you consistently ask children to “come clean” with the truth, they soon realize that simply completing the task is a lot easier than trying to come up with a story to get out of doing it. Finally, remember that this phase won’t last forever if handled right away, and your child will learn the value of being trustworthy.

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TikTok has become the go-to for lots of things, from dances to recipes to parenting styles. Popular parenting styles making the rounds on TikTok are gentle, crunchy, silky, and scrunchy. There are likely more, of course, but seasoned parents understand that parenting for most is a blend of several different styles. One particular parenting style most mothers want to steer clear of is becoming an almond mom.

If you've never heard of an almond mom, you're probably not alone. Almond mom is a term that went viral on TikTok because of 10-year-old clips from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. The offending shorts show real housewife Yolanda Hadid giving eating advice to her then teen, Gigi Hadid. Gigi is now an international supermodel. Back then, her mom's response to Gigi telling her she was "feeling really weak" after only eating half of an almond was to eat two more. Now, she did add to be sure to "chew them really well." From this somewhat misguided motherly advice formed the term almond mom. Yolanda Hadid has since defended herself in an interview with People, saying her eating advice "was taken out of context." The term has stuck though, but what is an almond mom? Almond mom meaning

It's not uncommon for breastfeeding moms to worry about their milk production, especially if they are new to breastfeeding. There can be several causes for a mom's milk supply to be low, including some prescription and over-the-counter medications, herbal supplements, recent breast surgery, using formula in addition to breastmilk, and whether the baby is having attachment issues.

Some babies also only breastfeed for short periods of time, which may impact milk production. When a mother is having issues with producing enough breastmilk, power pumping is often a recommended solution. What is power pumping, and how does it help stimulate milk production? Keep reading, and we'll explain it all. What is power pumping?

Parents only want what's best for their kids, and that means facing health challenges head-on. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, childhood obesity is a major issue in the U.S. with around 13.7 million young children and adolescents falling into the obese category. A child is considered obese if his or her Body Mass Index (BMI) or body fat measurement is over the 95th percentile. Most BMIs for kids and teens are in the fifth and 85th percentile range. A child above the 85th percentile is considered overweight for their age.

The concern with obesity in children and teens is the impact on overall physical and emotional health. Obese children and teens face an increased risk of high blood pressure and cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, asthma, sleep apnea, joint problems, low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. Future health problems include a higher risk for cardiovascular disease and cancer. An overweight child is more likely to be obese as an adult, as well. The concerns with childhood obesity

8 ways to help your grade-schooler with ADHD stop lying

By Rae Jacobson, MS

Expert reviewed by Mark J. Griffin, PhD

It can be upsetting if your grade-schooler with  ADHD frequently lies — even if you  understand why it’s happening . Here are tips to help your child with ADHD build coping skills that can curb the lying.

1. Look behind the lie.

It may seem like your child tells lies for no reason. But those lies can clue you in to real struggles. If your child denies having thrown a toy at a sibling when the deed clearly took place, it may not simply be to avoid blame. Your child might be upset about a lack of emotional control .

A good first step to teaching your child coping strategies is to help with identifying feelings. You can also tell your child you’ll help figure out better ways to for expressing those feelings.

2. Speak with empathy.

Imagine it’s your child’s turn to empty the dishwasher. When you ask later if it happened, your child lies and says yes. In truth, your child started the task, but then became distracted and forgot to finish unloading. The lie was simply a way to avoid getting in trouble. 

Showing you understand  what led to the lie can make your child more willing to take responsibility. You might say, “I know it can be hard for you to stay focused. But I’d rather you tell the truth and then finish your chore than lie about it. It’s the lying that makes me feel mad and hurt.”

3. Set expectations that work for your child.

Kids with ADHD often lie to get out of tasks that cause anxiety . On a heavy homework day, your child might tell you there’s no homework just to avoid having to think about it.

Setting achievable goals helps remove a reason to lie. If your child has a long reading assignment, you can set a schedule of one break every two pages. Making the task more manageable can reduce stress and give your child confidence that this job is doable.

4. Give your child opportunities to tell the truth.

Even after the lie, it’s important to give your child the chance to be truthful. It’s also key to offer praise for honesty. 

Let’s say your child tells you about lending a new jacket to a friend, but later admits to leaving it on the bus. Try to focus on the truth, not the lie. You could say, “Thanks for telling me what really happened. I know it’s hard for you to keep track of things, and I’m proud of you for being honest.” 

5. Help your child keep consequences in mind.

When kids with ADHD lie, they often do it on impulse. They’re likely not considering the consequences. Talking your child through past scenarios will help tie the action of lying to the less-than-ideal outcome. 

Let’s say your child is not allowed to play video games before a room-cleaning session. The next time it’s time to do that chore, bring up a reminder of what happened the last time. Cleaning up still had to happen but your child missed out on playing video games for a week, all because of a lie.

6. Work with your child to find strategies.

Kids with ADHD often view lying as a way to avoid stress. For your child, “losing” a homework assignment might mean getting into less trouble. Your child might feel less embarrassed about losing homework than about admitting that the work was just too overwhelming.

You can turn this into an opportunity to support your child. Work together to find strategies to help navigate trouble spots. You can also work on ways your child can self-advocate and ask for help  before  problems arise.

7. Set a good example.

Younger kids look to parents for cues on how to behave. If you use fibs in your own life, especially to get out of doing things you’d rather not do, your child is likely to get the message that it’s OK to tell lies, too. As your child’s greatest role model, it’s important to be truthful whenever you’re together.

8. Give it time.

Remember that  all  kids lie sometimes, and that behavior takes time to change. Your child might not use coping strategies instead of lying right away. And even once that happens, it can be easy to fall back into old habits when stressful situations arise.

Try not to worry or get upset if that happens, and keep working with your child to build coping skills. Doing that while your child is young will lay the groundwork for using successful strategies in the future.

What To Do When Your Kid Starts Lying

Parenting reporter

One of the delights of talking with a young child is that they will tell you anything that pops into their mind, completely unfiltered — be it a frank assessment of someone’s personality, or a piece of sensitive information it never occurred to them to hold in secret.

Children wear their hearts on their sleeves and inspire unconditional trust, so it’s jarring when your innocent little one utters something patently untrue.

Do they understand that they are lying? Did something happen that shifted their reality? Are they on their way to becoming a sociopath, or a salesperson?

How you react to your child’s untruthfulness will depend on their age and the circumstances. Kids don’t lie for no reason, and if you can figure out what’s driving them, it can be an opportunity to teach them important life skills.

At what age are kids aware that they are not telling the truth?

Toddlers “don’t understand the difference between fantasy and reality,” said Ann-Louise Lockhart , a pediatric psychologist practicing in Texas.

Throughout their infant, toddler and preschool years, children also don’t know that their perspective is unique, that other people have separate thoughts and feelings. They develop this skill, known as theory of mind , around ages 4-5. Until they understand that others may not know the same things they know — for example, who took the last cookie — they aren’t really capable of lying.

Once they are able to grasp this idea of competing perspectives, they become capable of understanding lies, as well as sarcasm and figurative language.

“For kids that are more developmentally mature, 5, 6ish, certainly, for most kids by 7, 8, they understand not telling the truth,” said Cindy Graham , a Maryland-based psychologist who works with children, teens and parents.

While lying is generally a negative thing, the fact that kids are capable of lying shows that their thought process is maturing.

“We want kids to have that awareness of, ‘Oh, I may get in trouble if I admit to this.’ It’s a recognition that there’s a negative outcome that may happen for me here,” said Graham.

Although we don’t necessarily want children to lie, Graham said, “those particular skills are really important for navigating adulthood.” It would be concerning if a child never lied under any circumstances.

“I don’t know of a single person whose kids haven’t lied,” she added.

Why do kids lie?

Once kids are capable of understanding what a lie is, “a lot of the lying is more based on avoiding punishment, and avoiding pain,” said Lockhart.

A child may be more likely to concoct a lie in order to avoid punishment that they view as particularly harsh. So parents who think they are preventing secretive behavior with big threats may inadvertently be encouraging further lying in the hopes of avoiding such punishment.

Of course, some lies are dangerous and do merit serious consequences — but the punishment doesn’t need to be harsh simply for saying something untrue.

Kids and teens also have a need to test boundaries. They will want to press against limits and see how far they can stretch them. This kind of lying doesn’t need to be tolerated, but it also shouldn’t be unexpected from a parent’s point of view.

If a lie is successful, kids may feel emboldened to try again. When lies are repeated in this way, “they’re not necessarily doing it compulsively,” said Graham. Their behavior isn’t good, but it makes sense on a certain level.

“They’re not doing it to get at you — that is one of the things that parents often struggle with,” said Graham.

A flood of emotion can also trigger lying. “Kids might have the cognitive capacity to understand they’re lying when they are regulated. But when they’re dysregulated ... if they’re afraid they’re going to get in trouble, or they’re afraid that someone might be mad at them, they will do anything to preserve that sense of safety,” said Sarah Bren , a psychologist who works with parents in New York.

In this kind of a situation, she explained, “That’s not, ‘I know I’m lying, but I’m going to do it anyway.’ That’s, ‘I’m not thinking about the fact that I’m lying. I’m impulsively saying this thing to try to make myself feel safe again.’”

There are times, however, when lying can be a sign of a bigger problem.

“For some kids, especially teenagers, it could be indicative of a mental health issue, if it is a consistent pattern of lying,” said Graham.

But in most cases, lying is a normal, expected part of kids’ development.

“A lot of lying is more based on avoiding punishment and avoiding pain,” said Lockhart.

When should parents call kids out on lying, and how?

Even when it’s obvious that your child is lying — when the crayon scribbles are, literally, on the wall, and they’re saying it wasn’t them — confronting them immediately isn’t always the best idea.

Kids are likely anxious if they know you’re suspicious of what they’re saying, and they probably won’t fess up if you challenge them in public, especially if they’re around their peers.

“Reducing that defensiveness, reducing their fear of a negative outcome is an important way to approach it,” said Graham.

“Sometimes we gotta go underneath the lie and get in and help them to feel safe with us,” said Bren. Rather than making the accusation, “You’re lying!” a parent could say, “Hey, I think you want me to believe that that’s the truth.”

Coming in like a TV lawyer and asking leading questions in an attempt to trap them in their lie won’t establish the trust or safety needed for them to speak with you openly.

Bren suggested letting kids know, “I’m not going to be mad at you if you tell me the truth. We’ll figure this out together.”

If they’re lying about completing homework, maybe the homework is too hard, and they need help. If they’re lying about their whereabouts, or who they’re with, ask yourself, why do they feel the need to keep this information from you? If they’re engaged in a dangerous behavior, your response will be very different than if they’re simply testing limits.

“Occasional lying is normal, but when it’s an issue, it’s because they’re missing some skills that need to be developed,” said Lockhart, adding that kids may need help with judgment, decision-making or problem-solving.

“Coaching them through the problem-solving that put them in a bind where that lie felt like their only choice” builds skills that “will reduce lying over time,” Bren said.

Graham suggested choosing a “neutral time” to talk to them, not the heat of the moment. Pick a time and place where they can feel safe opening up about why they lied.

Starting off with “lying is bad” won’t help your child feel safe to speak openly with you. In a separate conversation after the fact, you can talk to them about how lying erodes trust and damages relationships. We do want to teach kids that lying causes problems, but this will likely come after working through our child’s particular lie.

If they’ve lied because they feel vulnerable, accusing them of lying or lecturing them about it will make them feel “more vulnerable, more dysregulated, flooded with a feeling of shame, which turns off the prefrontal cortex, it makes it very hard to learn new strategies,” explained Bren.

You want to be emotionally neutral. Storming through the door after parent-teacher conferences and yelling, “Why have you been lying to me about doing your homework?” is going to make a child feel unsafe and act defensively.

But if you wait until you have had a chance to cool off and really consider where this particular lie is coming from, you can knock on their bedroom door and say, “I hear that you haven’t been handing in your homework at school. You’ve been telling me that you’re doing it every day. What’s going on?” you increase the likelihood that they will open up, and then you can problem-solve together.

For an older child, Bren says you might want to ask, “What was going on for you that you felt you couldn’t tell me that?”

Lockhart suggested using language that will help them build up the missing skills that may have led them to lie in the first place. If you think they may have copied an assignment, for example, you might say, “I noticed that you told me that you finished your homework, and didn’t need any help. ... I’m just having a hard time understanding how you finished it so quickly.”

You could then lead your child to reason why copying an assignment isn’t a good strategy, as they still won’t understand the material, and offer to help them redo the assignment honestly. In this scenario, the “punishment” is doing the work over again — no additional punishment for lying is necessary.

In this example, “the lesson that needed to be learned is that you can be honest with me, and then I will support you when things are hard,” said Lockhart. We don’t want a child to conclude, “I’m going to lie more to avoid the pain because she’s going to freak out over it.”

“The goal here is to get your kid to talk to you about things,” added Lockhart. You don’t want to add punishments that will prevent them from feeling comfortable coming to you.

“We have to decide at this moment, what is my bigger goal?” said Bren. “Do I want to make my kid feel bad that they’re lying, because I’m mad at them for lying to me? ... Or is my goal to help my child not to lie in life?”

We may have to put our own anger aside and ask, “Do I want to have a battle over this lie? Or do I want to build skills to not lie?” she said.

Sometimes, Bren added, this may involve pushing past our own fears, such as: “My kid is going to be a liar. My kid doesn’t have any respect, my kid isn’t going to have any friends. If they keep lying, everyone’s going to judge me.”

Instead, we can decenter our own emotions to see that “my child is telling me something here, they’re feeling motivated to lie right now, probably because they’re feeling vulnerable,” Bren said. “They’re feeling shame, they’re feeling fear.”

In some cases, a child might not be comfortable talking to you or another parent, and you may need to find a school counselor or a therapist whom they do feel they can be open with. Try not to take this personally. Remember that it’s more important for them to be able to talk through things with someone than it is for you to know every detail.

“Generally speaking, kids are not doing this to be manipulative or to be hurtful, to get over on their parents or anything like that. It really is coming from a place of fear. And that’s what you really want to get to the bottom of and to help them through,” said Graham.

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7 Ways to Stop the Parent-Child Power Struggle Over Homework

By debbie pincus, ms lmhc.

Do you find yourself in full-on homework battles most nights of the week? It’s no surprise that most children and teens will dig in their heels when it comes to doing schoolwork. Think of it this way: How many kids want to do something that isn’t particularly exciting or pleasant? Most would prefer to be playing video games, riding their bikes or driving around with friends, especially after a long day of school and activities.

As long as you believe you are accountable (or to blame) for your child’s outcome, you are under her control.

The underlying truth here is that you and your child might already be caught in a power struggle over this. Like most parents, you probably want your children to do well and be responsible. Maybe you worry about your child’s future. After all, doing homework and chores are your child’s prime responsibilities, right? Let’s face it, it’s easy to get anxious when your kids are not doing what they’re supposed to be doing—and when you know how important doing schoolwork is. And when you believe you are ultimately responsible for the choices your child makes (and many of us do, consciously and unconsciously), the ante is upped and the tug of war begins.

Nagging, Lecturing and Yelling—But Nothing Changes?

If you’re in the habit of threatening, lecturing, questioning your child, nagging or even screaming at them “do the work!” (and trust me, we’ve all been there), you probably feel like you’re doing whatever it takes to get your kids on track. But when you’re in your child’s head, there’s no room for him to think for himself. And unfortunately, the more anxious you are, the more you’ll hold on in an attempt to control him and push him toward the task at hand. What happens then? Your child will resist by pushing back. That’s when the power struggle ensues. Your child, in essence, is saying, “I own my own life—stay out!” Now the battle for autonomy is getting played out around homework and chores, and exactly what you feared and hoped to avoid gets created.

This is very aggravating for parents to say the least. Many of us get trapped into thinking we are responsible for our child’s choices in life. As long as you believe you are accountable (or to blame) for your child’s outcome, you are under their control. This is because you will need your child to make those good choices—do the work—so you will feel that you’re doing a good job. Your child’s behavior becomes a reflection of you. You are now at your child’s mercy as you trying to get him to do what you want him to do so you can feel validated as a good parent. Your child does not want to be taking care of your emotional well-being, so he will naturally resist.

When kids are not following through on their responsibilities, it can easily trigger a number of feelings in parents. Note that your child did not cause these feelings, but rather triggered feelings that already belong to you. You might be triggered by a feeling of anger because you feel ineffective or fear that your child will never amount to anything. Or you might feel guilt about not doing a good enough job as a parent. Here’s the truth:  You have to be careful not to let these triggered feelings cause you to push your kids harder so that you can feel better. One of the toughest things parents have to do is learn how to soothe their own difficult feelings rather than ask their children to do that for them. This is the first step in avoiding power struggles.

Why are power struggles important to avoid? They inadvertently create just what you’ve feared. Your child is living his life in reaction to you rather than making his own independent choices. Learning how to make those choices is a necessary skill that develops self-motivation.  How can you avoid ending up in these battles? Here are 7 tips that can really help.

1. You are not responsible for your child’s choices

Understand that you are not responsible for the choices your child makes in his life. It’s impossible to take on that burden without a battle for control over another human being. Measure your success as a parent by how you behave — not by what your child chooses to do or not do. Doing a good job as a parent means that you have done all that you can do as a responsible person. It does not mean that you have raised a perfect person who has made all the right choices. Once you really get this, you won’t be so anxious about your child’s behaviors, actions, and decisions. You will be able to see your child from objective, not subjective, lenses and therefore be able to guide their behavior, because you’ll have seen what he actually needs.

2. You cannot make someone care—but you can influence them

You cannot get a person to do or care about what they don’t want to do or care about. Our kids have their own genetics, roles, and ultimately their own free will. So focusing on getting your child to change or getting something from her will not work long-term and will most often turn into a power struggle. What you can do is try to influence your child using only what is in your own hands. For example, when it comes to homework, you can structure the environment to create the greatest probability that the work will get done.

3. Think about the “fences” you’d like to create for your child

Take charge of your own best thinking and decisions rather than trying to control your child’s. Pause, think and decide what fences you want to create for your child. What are your bottom lines? Know what you can and can’t do as a parent. Recognize that what will make the biggest difference to your child (and helping him become a responsible kid who makes good choices) will be learning how to inspire him, not control him. Building a positive relationship with your kids is your best parenting strategy. Children want to please the people in their lives that they have loving feelings toward. You cannot ultimately make them accept your values, but you can inspire them to do so. Getting a child to listen to you is primarily about setting up the conditions under which they choose to do so. In order to do this, make a conscious effort to sprinkle your relationship with more positive interactions than negative ones. Hug, show affection, laugh together, and spend time with one another. Point out your appreciations most instead of constantly correcting, instructing, teaching, yelling, complaining, or reprimanding.  Don’t get me wrong, you need to correct and reprimand as a parent. But make a conscious effort so that every time you do this, you will follow it with many positive interactions. The human brain remembers the negatives much more than the positives. Most kids will be happy to listen and be guided by the people in their lives who they like and respect.

4. Should you give consequences when kids don’t do homework?

Parents always ask whether or not they should give consequences to kids if they don’t do their homework—or instead just let the chips fall where they may.  I think you can give consequences, and that might work temporarily—maybe even for a while. Perhaps your child will learn to be more responsible or to use anxiety about the consequences to motivate themselves. You can’t change someone else, but consequences might help them get some homework done. You can’t “program” your child to care about their work, but you can create a work environment that promotes a good work ethic. Kids who regularly get their homework done and study do better throughout school and overall in life.

5. How structuring the environment can encourage studying

Again, you can’t make a child do anything that he doesn’t feel like doing, but you can structure his environment to create the greatest probability that the work will get done. When your child’s grades slip, or you find that he’s not getting his work in on time, you are automatically “invited in” to supervise and help him get on track. You can make sure that for certain periods of time, he will not be able to do anything other than schoolwork. The rule is during that time, no electronics are allowed—just homework and studying. By doing this, you are providing a structure to do what your child probably can’t do yet for himself. The hour and a half that you set aside should be a time when you will be around to enforce the rules that you have set. Give a fixed amount of time and once that time is up, your child is free to go elsewhere, homework done or not. Stay consistent with this plan, even if he fights you on it. This plan will accomplish the possibility that your child will get some homework done and maybe over time, create some better work habits. That’s all. This plan should be in place, whether or not he has homework. He can read, review or study if he doesn’t have any during that time. Let him know that these rules will change when his grades begin to reflect his potential and when you are not getting negative reports from teachers about missing homework. When he accomplishes this, tell him you will be happy to have him be fully in charge of his own homework.

6. Parents of Defiant kids

 Extremely defiant kids who don’t seem to care about consequences really try their parents. Some of these kids suffer from ADHD, ODD, learning disabilities, emotional issues and many other issues. Defiance has become a way for them to try and solve their problems. With defiant kids, parents need to be very cognizant of working to develop positive relationships, no matter how difficult. Above all, work to avoid getting pulled into a power struggle. Your child will need many more learning opportunities and more rewards and negative consequences—and more time to learn these lessons than less defiant child. And if nothing changes, and your child continues to be defiant, you must continue to work on your own patience and be thoughtful about your own bottom line. Most important, continue to love your child and keep showing up.

7. Your simple message to your child

Be clear, concise and direct. Your simple message to your kids, which does not require lectures or big sit down conversations is, “Your job is to take care of your responsibilities, which includes getting your homework done and helping out in the house. That’s my expectation for you. Once you’ve done that each day, you are welcome to do what you’d like.” Remember, as a parent your job is to essentially help your child do her job.

Related content: What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled from School “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over School Work

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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Frustrated mom This is by far the very worst parenting advice I have ever heard. Can it be anymore vague and general? There’s literally nothing in this article that deals with actually doing homework! In fact it is more so a guide on things that most parents already know and should More be doing! The other part of this article is basically saying that you should allow your child to be their own authority. Do kids not need to learn to obey rules in today’s world? A lesson in life is that your children aren’t always going to be given a choice and when they are given a choice, it doesn’t mean they’re going to like any of the possible outcomes. Allowing them to think they have a choice in order to circumvent basic responsibilities is completely and utterly counter productive! I had to do homework when I was a kid whether I liked it or not! I knew this even as a small child. Children historically do not make the best decisions on their own. There’s a reason we have an age where it’s considered by society that you’re officially an adult. Until children reach that age, they don’t have a choice!

I am a special education preschool educator. Yes, I do send homework home for the following reasons:1. It starts good habits relating to reinforcing skills taught at school.

2. It allows me to educate and inform parents on what skills children need to be learning.

3. Some skills need more effort to be learned- such as name writing.

4. I want my kiddos to have a headstart and school is important! Homework is a way of getting kids ahead.

Hands down- my kiddos who learn skills at home- for example "economics homework" are more likely to master this skill when taught at school AND at home! It helps! Trust me! and all kiddos undergo assessments when entering kindergarten and often it is considered a predictor in success for the year!

georgeesmith Very methodical, can give a try to make it possible :)

lisakelper9 Sounds good but very hard to implement in reality. But still its a good attempt.

JackRusso1 I disagree with this as a whole. This person has no idea what children are really like. Children are stressed a lot, nagging them won't help. They don't want to talk about homework at home because then the parent asks irritating questions. It's not that they don't care, it's that More they need to do things on their own. When a parent is constantly on their backs the child gets stressed out. In my eyes, few parents understand this. Believe it or not...I'm 13 and I can do better then you. This isn't a helpful list of tips, it's a list of how to make the situation worse!

Oh my goodness!   This all sounds very charming but has no real application!  

Let me give you my scenario of raising a "Defiant" child:

Our homework structure is that she work at her well organized desk...quite charming in fact.  

She is expected to work 15 minutes per subject which is a grand total of an hour and 30 min.

No tech unless all work is complete and no matter what, no tech before 6:30 pm.

Down time for reading (which she loves) is after homework and her home chore is done.

we have a rewards currency.  We have a consequence system.  

Guess what?  It is not that simple.  She will waste her time "studying" so we require her to log notes on what she is reading so does not just sit and stare at her books for an hour and a half (which she will do).  We periodically check her log as she is working and help review info.  Again...quite charming.

She is failing most of her subjects because she does not bring ANY assigned work home.  None.  And then she lies about the work that we track down.  

She is not internally nor externally motivated. 

Sometimes a child is not emotionally mature enough to handle things like this and their brains are unable to really connect action and consequence.  Sometimes you need to let your child fail.  I hear from her teachers "I have no idea what to do with _________"  My response is....there is nothing YOU can do.  Only what ______ can do and she chooses not to.

A child who is unable to focus on learning is focusing on something else instead.  For my daughter it is the undying need for acceptance....peer acceptance.  So how to retrain the brain is tough.  Wish me luck because THERE IS NO ANSWER!  THERE IS NO FIX!

I often wonder about the value of homework. While I appreciate the article and noted some key takeaways here that will be very helpful to me, such as "Learn how to inspire, not control" and "Measure your success as a parent by how you behave"...I often find myself yelling at my seven year old angel because she just doesn't have an interest in learning..and then I spend the rest of the night disgusted with myself for being angry with her. She is the sweetest, most lovable little girl filled with street smarts. But she's behind in school, slow with reading, and fights me constantly with her homework.

I stepped up over the summer and had assignments all summer long so she could hopefully catch up. But little has changed. She continues to have no interest, which I interpret as lazy. She would much rather watch Netflix or play; something I try to balance. I wasn't a great student in school but I did love homework. I hated the "institution" and rebelled against control. But I've managed to make a good life for myself because I've been highly motivated, driven and disciplined. My concern is she doesn't seem to have those traits...yet. It might still be too soon. However, I struggle to push too hard (contrary to how it sounds) because I'm a big advocate of work-life balance.

She is busy all day with school and activities and the idea of having her do more when she gets home before she rests, plays or unwinds, seems like corporal punishment. Yes. And I'm not dramatic. But really? I get the importance of establishing a good work ethic. However,  I work all day. When I get home, I'm tired. I take a break before I tend to house chores. Nothing gets neglected but I pace myself. I also take home work but that's done later in the evening, after I've tended to my family AND had some down time. Don't kids deserve down time too?

I hate putting this pressure on my child, yet I know the pressure she feels being a slower reader, struggling with phonetics, etc. is as great if not worse. I can see her as a very successful person later on because she has very strong social skills and a kindness that far surpasses most of the other kids I've seen. But I struggle with finding that balance between pushing academics and just letting time prove itself. I am a big advocate of moderation and balance, yet I really struggle with applying that value in today's academic world which starts as young as kindergarten!

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• 1. The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework
• 2. What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled From School
• 3. "My Child Refuses to Do Homework" — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork
• 4. Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker
• 5. Young Kids in School: Help for the Top 4 Behavior Problems
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Georgia Man Kills His Daughter's Mother, Leaving Baby in Home with Her Mom Lying in "Pool of Blood"

Danielle Marshall, 23, was fatally shot in her Powder Springs, Georgia, home while her 9-month-old daughter was in the residence. First responders found Danielle on her kitchen floor “in the fetal position."

In the quiet bedroom community of Powder Springs, Georgia, law enforcement faced a nightmarish murder.  Danielle Marshall, 23, was fatally shot in her home while her 9-month-old daughter, Eva, was in the residence.

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Watch The Real Murders of Atlanta Saturdays at 9/8c on Oxygen and next day on  Peacock . Catch up on the Oxygen App .

First responders found Danielle on her kitchen floor “in the fetal position,” Amy Randolph, a former Powder Springs Police Department detective, told The Real Murders of Atlanta , airing Saturdays at 9 p.m. ET/PT on Oxygen .

“The child apparently had been wandering around the home the entire time mom was lying in the pool of blood,” Randolph said in the "Death in Powder Springs" episode. “It was terrible.”

Officials came to the home where Danielle lived with her mother, Gloria Marshall, after receiving a 911 call from Joshua Gibson, Danielle’s ex-boyfriend and Eva’s father, at around 1:15 a.m. on January 14, 2013.

Gibson told the 911 dispatcher that he was outside the house and could hear Eva crying inside. He said that he'd been trying to call Danielle but that she hadn't come out or opened the door. Officers from the Powder Springs Police Department were sent to the home to do a welfare check, which led to the grisly discovery.

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What happened to Danielle Marshall?

In addition to being shot in the head, Danielle “had possibly been beaten or pistol-whipped,” Powder Springs Police Department Chief Lane Cadwell, a former investigator for the department, told The Real Murders of Atlanta . "She had defensive marks on her arms and hands.”

Officials collected DNA evidence at the scene, where there were no signs of a forced entry. They recovered a 38-caliber bullet fragment from a kitchen cabinet. Investigators determined that Danielle had been killed around 11 p.m. on January 13, 2013.

In a police interview, Gibson, who lived with his current girlfriend, said that he and his girlfriend were at home asleep at that time.

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Detectives discovered that Gibson was still having sex with his ex, Danielle. “Gloria [Danielle's mother] worked at night,” Randolph said, “and Joshua would come over then.”

Officials took note of the potentially explosive love triangle. “To say that Danielle’s relationship with Joshua was complex would be an understatement,” Jesse Evans, a former prosecutor for the Cobb County District Attorney's Office, told The Real Murders of Atlanta .

“At that point, Joshua agreed to allow us to have access to his cell phone, and he turned over his clothing for further forensic investigations,” Evans added.

Danielle Marshall’s history with Joshua Gibson

Investigators learned that Danielle became pregnant soon after she began seeing Gibson. “It was so quick,” her friend Pamela said. “They took off like a rocket.”

Gloria, Danielle's mom, had reservations about Gibson. “The guy had control issues,” Gloria told The Real Murders of Atlanta .

Danielle was happy about becoming a parent, but Gibson had a different reaction. “That was too heavy for him,” Pamela said on the show. 

RELATED: Connecticut Mom Raped At Home and Shocking Attacker Is Revealed To Be Someone She Knew

A year-old Cobb County police report showed that there was bad blood between Danielle and Gibson’s girlfriend, who’d nearly run over Danielle with her car.

When she was interviewed by police about Danielle's murder, Gibson’s girlfriend “said that Danielle was not a threat to her,” Randolph said, “and that she didn’t do anything to her.”

Gibson’s girlfriend claimed that she was at work until 9:30 p.m. on the night that Danielle was killed, and then home with Gibson after 11 p.m. Gibson later left to check on Danielle. Investigators obtained a search warrant for the girlfriend's cell phone to confirm her alibi.

Cellular records backed up the girlfriend’s alibi, according to Evans. Gibson’s phone records   appeared to corroborate his story about texting and calling Danielle several times before heading over  to her house.   

As detectives tried to get traction on the investigation, Danielle’s loved ones reckoned with the terrible loss. Her mom Gloria couldn’t bear to live in her home.

“I went right to the spot where she died,” the grieving mother said. “I got on my knees, and I told her I was sorry. I kissed the floor in the kitchen where her body had been and told her good-bye.”

Investigators change direction, then case goes cold

Detectives turned their focus to Jeremy Pitts, another man Danielle dated. During a police interview, Pitts said that he had been with Danielle the night of the murder.  

But Pitts changed his story. He later told them that he’d been with Danielle a day earlier. He explained that he’d actually been at a party with a group of friends the night she was killed.

That alibi was backed up by other partygoers, according to investigators. “We looked at Jeremy’s cell phone and cell phone records, and we were able to conclusively determine that he was not at the crime scene when the murder was committed,” said Evans.

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Pitts was ruled out as a suspect. “At this point, we try to go back through [Danilelle's] phone and go back over the timeline,” Randolph said. “Eventually, we ran out of phone numbers.”

By the end of 2013, the case went cold. Hoping for a break in the investigation, Danielle’s mother “waited and waited and waited,” she said. “Time is the devil.”

Danielle Marshall’s case reassigned

One year after the murder was committed, the investigation was turned over to the county prosecutor's cold case team. Nick O’Conor, a former investigator for the Cobb County District Attorney’s Office, headed it.

He began with a deep analysis of Gibson and his girlfriend’s phone records. He found a number common to both phones and a call at 11:22 p.m., when the couple said they'd been asleep.

The call was from a high school friend of Gibson who still lived in the area. The man had never been identified during the initial investigation.

Detectives learned through cell tower information that the man was very close to Danielle’s house at the known time of the murder, said O’Conor.

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Investigators paid Gibson’s friend “a surprise visit at his workplace,” Cadwell said.

“Right off the bat, he denied any knowledge or involvement with anything concerning Danielle’s death,” O’Conor said. But the witness eventually broke down.

“He comes out and admits he went over to Danielle's house the night that Danielle was murdered with Josh,” said O’Conor.

According to the investigator, the friend said that Gibson had mentioned the potential of having a threesome with Danielle and that he drove them in his car to Danielle’s house.

The man “said he could tell that Danielle didn’t expect them. She was very uncomfortable,” O’Conor told The Real Murders of Atlanta . The witness added that he and Gibson went back to his car and that Gibson went back into the house for several minutes.

“That information blew the case wide open,” said O’Conor. Investigators believed Gibson’s friend when he said he never saw a gun or heard a shot.

Who killed Danielle Marshall?

Detectives suspected that Gibson had left his phone home and “was playing a role” during his first police interview, said O’Conor, adding, “There was a massive amount of planning that went into this.”

In September 2015, Gibson was charged with murder. As prosecutors built the case, they discovered a history of domestic violence from Danielle’s journal entries, said Evans.

After a two-week trial, Gibson was found guilty on February 9, 2018. He was sentenced to life in prison without the chance of parole.

To find out more about the case, watch the “Death in Powder Springs” episode of  The Real Murders of Atlanta , airing Saturdays at 9 p.m. ET/PT on Oxygen.

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